There are places I need to go. Have you ever seen Cities of the Underworld, on the Discovery Channel? The Discovery Channel is AWESOME!!! It has spurned a buttload of google searches about possible travel destinations. I think the Discovery Channel does that anyway. But there are things I must do, and places I must see before I leave this world. My aunts and uncle will say that I got the traveling bug from my mom. She pretty much has lived all over the world. From the Philippines, to Thailand to Korea. She has been there. I don't know too many black people, or people that just leave their family to live in a foreign country. But I am willing to do it. Even though I currently sit here in comfy comfounds of an American Military Base here in Afghanistan, don't you want to explore what the world has to offer. After googling, Afghanistan, apparently there aren't too many things here in Afghanistan to see. So below are my top 10 destinations I NEED TO SEE. They are in no certain order...however, I believe that Israel may be my next stop in MAY!!! And no, I am not trying to go to any of these places for enlightenment such as in the critically acclaimed move, Eat Pray Love. However, like the protagonist in the movie, I have always dreamed of traveling to far off countries versus having a house full of children. The friend in Eat Pray Love was correct, "Having a child is like getting a tattoo on your face, you kind of have to be fully committed.
1. Israel - and all the religious sites inbetween. Who wouldn't want to see where Jesus walked and taught his most famous teachings
2. Egypt - Pyramids!!!
3. Ethopia - I know it sound weirds, but there are Christian Jews who live here who have carved churches into Mountains...LITERALLY. And then there is a castle dug into the ground. Amazing what the human mind can do
4. Africa - I know...Africa is a whole continent. But I really just want to help poor little babies in this area of the world.
5. Thailand - Have you seen those beaches...they look amazing.
6. London
7. Scotland
8. Ireland
9. Australia / New Zealand - I have to get back to see my Louise
10. India - I just threw this one in here....but the land of yogis....let's do it
I'm just trying to get over somethings so hopefully this will help. Stay tuned to random postings...
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Same me just some self improvements
1. Run and finish the Disney Half Marathon
2. Maintain at least a 3.0 GPA in Nursing School
As much as I can't contain my excitement, Nursing school is quickly approaching. What does that mean. Time to get my nerd on. Unlike Undergrad, I am completely prepared for what lies ahead and my future. While in undergrad, I had no clue the impact of GPA on my future. That's why, I got out of the Academy with a 2.5, and I have struggled to have people accept that though my GPA is low, I am still an intelligent person. I may lack in the common sense department, but that's because the Army took it out of me. That's not my fault. School starts 23 MAY 2011, and I can't wait. I can't wait to meet my classmates at Villanova nor start my new career. Starting over, is definitely a scary task. Everyone makes leaving the military seem like a such horrible thing. Don't worry, I encountered this while at the Academy as well. Apparently, without the military I am doomed to fail. Really, because I know tons of people who are not in the military, who are excelling. Not to mention, there personal life is not as stifled as mine is right now. And by stifled I mean, the following things. You know how normal people go out to happy hour during the week to let off stress and such, well in the Army, the location of bases makes that a little hard, since they are usually located in the arm put of America. There is also the same clothes I must wear everyday, and the same shoes that hurt my feet. What I will miss though is the benefits. Access to free birth control, I don't understand why more military folks don't use it, though sometimes waiting for an appointement feels more like waiting at the free clinic. The pay, I was guranteed a paycheck twice a month, no matter how much or how little work I did. I am going from getting paid twice a month, to not at all due to going to school. Hell no I'm not working during my 14 month vacation at school.
Danielle and I have been training for this since probably October 2010. 13.1 miles seems really easy doesn't it. I mean, a mile really isn't that long, says the person who has never actually had to run a PT test, or actually done an ounce of excercise in their life. A mile really isn't that short. 1/4 quarter of a mile takes about 2 to three minutes to complete. A mile, dependent upon your comfor level can take you from 4 minutes, (the elite runners) to 10 minutes (me...the snail). Now of course I can run a mile in less than ten minutes. I'm in the Army, and expected to, but there is a high level of anxiety and discomfort when I do it. Therefore, taking on the daunting task of running 13.1 was not a easily arrived at goal. However, weekly I have been running in order to accomplish this goal. I am half way through, and up to about 16 miles per week. My eating habits have not really changed however. Why, you may ask? Because in Afghanistan, I am limited to the food they give me, sometimes that is hot wings and sweet potato pie, other times it is a salad, three days in a row. I really haven't gotten the nutrition thing down, however, I have dropped some weight, and the running seems easier. Well, that was before the whole box of sugar babies i ate this afternoon. DAMN Aunt FLO!!!!
As much as I can't contain my excitement, Nursing school is quickly approaching. What does that mean. Time to get my nerd on. Unlike Undergrad, I am completely prepared for what lies ahead and my future. While in undergrad, I had no clue the impact of GPA on my future. That's why, I got out of the Academy with a 2.5, and I have struggled to have people accept that though my GPA is low, I am still an intelligent person. I may lack in the common sense department, but that's because the Army took it out of me. That's not my fault. School starts 23 MAY 2011, and I can't wait. I can't wait to meet my classmates at Villanova nor start my new career. Starting over, is definitely a scary task. Everyone makes leaving the military seem like a such horrible thing. Don't worry, I encountered this while at the Academy as well. Apparently, without the military I am doomed to fail. Really, because I know tons of people who are not in the military, who are excelling. Not to mention, there personal life is not as stifled as mine is right now. And by stifled I mean, the following things. You know how normal people go out to happy hour during the week to let off stress and such, well in the Army, the location of bases makes that a little hard, since they are usually located in the arm put of America. There is also the same clothes I must wear everyday, and the same shoes that hurt my feet. What I will miss though is the benefits. Access to free birth control, I don't understand why more military folks don't use it, though sometimes waiting for an appointement feels more like waiting at the free clinic. The pay, I was guranteed a paycheck twice a month, no matter how much or how little work I did. I am going from getting paid twice a month, to not at all due to going to school. Hell no I'm not working during my 14 month vacation at school. 3. Understand that the things that I want in a man cannot be compromised. If he does not want a relationship then I need to keep it moving.
This is a HUGE one. Why. Because as much as I hate to admit it, as a woman I have fallen for the trap of believing that even though a man says he doesn't want a girlfriend, I feel I can turn him. 2011 is a different year. Why you say. Because honestly, I am tired of people using me. For the past six years I have tolerated the whole, "I don't believe in relationships or labels." At one point I even believed that bullshit. Sorry, no dice this year. No matter what you say, how good you look, or what you got going for you, I am not falling for it. I don't care. Sorry boos. The other thing that goes along with this, dating all eligible people. I know looks gets a person in the door, but none of the FINE ones make the cut. The men that a woman always regrets not dating is the quiet nice guy, who takes his time to get to know the girl. Who treats her like a lady. Who takes care of her. And who is cute, but really not your taste. You know who I am talking about, your buddy ol pal. We all have them. I got tons of them. I have just come to realize that they are more hubby material than the fine guys, who SUCK ASS!!!! So, yes, I will be doing less thinking, and more dating. Well, most of my thinking will occur on my runs where I tell me self, yep that cutey over there in the back...he cute but he a heart breaker, date his friend who is a little socially inept but will cut any many that tries to come at you the wrong way.
4. Don't be quick to anger.
I have the worse anger problem ever. I allow other people's stupidity comments affect me. It's genetic. I get it from my momma, and everyone in my family knows. I been to anger management, it is so bad. I have come close to throwing chairs into doors. I have thrown folks on tables out of shear pissed offness. So what am I trying to do this year. Not let people's opinions of me control my emotions. So what if little ball of fire tells me to kick rocks, it's his loss anyway, he is the dumbass who doesn't understand not everyone bends for him, sometimes you gotta bend for your boo. Another way to be slow to anger, is to surround myself with positive people, as well as remain open, honest and positive to myself. It's easy for people to lie to themselves. Hell, a lot of people lie to themselves everyday, saying that they love Jesus, their neighbor and other crap, that doesn't mean its true, it just sounds good. Especially to the church folks.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Untitled
I have no clue what just happened. I just know that sometimes I lay at night in bed missing your arms. And the only thing that takes my mind off of you is thinking about the don'ts and the can'ts and will never be. The biggest don't is you are not ready for a relationship with anyone. You don't believe in titles, and ultimately have ever ruled out the chance of you actually loving someone in my opinion. That is your path in life, not mine. You expect me to be at your beck in call, but when I want to spend time together, I pretty much need to suck it up as a day alone. You can't allow yourself to apologize for your harsh words. Instead of talking shit out, you argue and throw tantrums that I personally am not going to deal with. Remember when you got mad at me because I didn't text you for a day. But when the roles are reversed, it's okay for you to ignore me days, even a week at a time. You accuse me of playing games, when in acutality, you're the one playing games. Waiting for me to send you a message the moment after I see you. But I won't. It's just not in my nature to chase after something that is just not meant to last and withstand. It's not in my nature to console you and make you feel at ease when you are insecure about so many other issues in your life. The same way you refuse to deal with the consequences of some other man's actions. I refuse to be punished because some chick hurt your feelings so long ago. I won't be subjected to you angry words that attempt to belittle me because someone else lied to you in the past, when I have been only honest.
I admit, I played a role in our demise. I attempted to control and influence a whole nother person. I tried to manipulate a situation that was not meant to be. I tried to be like every other chick and wow you with all the skills I picked up over the journey to adulthood and relationships. I temporarily had a waterhead moment. And while, I tried, I failed. I can accept that, because I have failed alot when it comes to relationships. I am proud of those failures, because it will lead me to the moment where I only need to be successful once with the right person.
But in the same token you failed. You failed to realize what goodness you had in front of you. You failed to understand the depths that I would have gone to be with you, satisfy you and maybe eventually make a home for us. Well, those are just the musings of a young woman who knows exactly what she wants and is no longer ashamed of them.
So when I see you, I will continue to smile, and momentarily reflect on the great times together. But it only lasted momentarily, and it was needed to get me to this exact moment in my life. To be free of any regret that I may harbor for any decisions I made.
I admit, I played a role in our demise. I attempted to control and influence a whole nother person. I tried to manipulate a situation that was not meant to be. I tried to be like every other chick and wow you with all the skills I picked up over the journey to adulthood and relationships. I temporarily had a waterhead moment. And while, I tried, I failed. I can accept that, because I have failed alot when it comes to relationships. I am proud of those failures, because it will lead me to the moment where I only need to be successful once with the right person.
But in the same token you failed. You failed to realize what goodness you had in front of you. You failed to understand the depths that I would have gone to be with you, satisfy you and maybe eventually make a home for us. Well, those are just the musings of a young woman who knows exactly what she wants and is no longer ashamed of them.
So when I see you, I will continue to smile, and momentarily reflect on the great times together. But it only lasted momentarily, and it was needed to get me to this exact moment in my life. To be free of any regret that I may harbor for any decisions I made.
Read at your own risk!!!
What makes you more upset, ignorance or incompetence? I use to think incompetence pissed me off the point of wanting to punch people in the face, but ignorance has surely won this round. I'm pretty liberal, so as long as a person doesn't sacrafice another human being in the name of religion, I'm pretty much down with whatever beliefs a person has. While, they may not be for me, "Do what you Do" is my motto. So what happened you may ask. Well, recently, the government has put an end to legalized bigotry. Bill Clinton's policy on Homosexuals in the military "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was recently repealed. So what does that mean for the military. IGNORANCE!!! This will be a difficult time for the military as it once again strives to accept people who aren't WASPS. (white anglo saxon protestants)
An Army Major asked the question, "Who in this office to this survey that says the military personnel think its okay to serve openly gay in the military?" Of course, no one in this office was asked to take the survey. So the Army Major proceeds to take his own survey. I stupidly asked the question, what does serving openly mean. Of course I got the whole, your a support officer and never been in a combat unit. That dude don't know me or my career so hush up Army Major. Now, let's take a step back for a moment and answer the following question, "What does serving gay mean?" The Army Major has his own definition, "Serving gay is when a male soldier comes to work and is really feminine talking about hey girlfriend." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, all this damn education in the world, and ignorance still prevails in professional organizations. When a leader can articulately define what serving openly gays mean, then I will debate it. In my opinion, serving openly gay means having the same rights and privileges that heterosexual couple have. Serving openly means not having to hide as a female, that I have a girlfriend, or lying about my whereabouts to my squad mates this weekend. It doesn't mean someone coming "tooted" up to formation articulating the gay sterotypes my comrades in arms loves to exploit. The results of our office survey, 7 out of 11 personnel were against repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell.
I have a question. How many leaders have served with openly gay soldiers? How many leaders have served with outstanding soldiers who you trust your flipping life with, who were openly gay? I would assume that 70 percent of leaders have been in this situation. And never did it cross our mind to report him or her under "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Mostly because as long as a soldier does his or her job, it doesn't matter to us who you go home to at night. So with all that said, is there ignorance still out there. Yes, I recently read an article in the NY times, where a soldier said, "Taking showers will be awkward." REALLY!!! REALLY!!! Why would taking showers be awkward, because you assume that every gay man wants you, or because you are just that damn stupid.
As a leader, when do we stop making excuses for our soldiers ignorance. Why is it okay for a Commander to segregate soldiers based on sexual orientation. It has never been okay as a leader to condone prejudice and ignorance, however, in my opinion, allowing sexual orientation dictate living arrangements or what unit he or she is assigned too is condoning a person's prejudice. If you are an adult, he or she needs to be treated as such, deal with it. The same way a soldier deals with the platoon leader that he hates, is the same way a soldier deals with a gay roommate.
An Army Major asked the question, "Who in this office to this survey that says the military personnel think its okay to serve openly gay in the military?" Of course, no one in this office was asked to take the survey. So the Army Major proceeds to take his own survey. I stupidly asked the question, what does serving openly mean. Of course I got the whole, your a support officer and never been in a combat unit. That dude don't know me or my career so hush up Army Major. Now, let's take a step back for a moment and answer the following question, "What does serving gay mean?" The Army Major has his own definition, "Serving gay is when a male soldier comes to work and is really feminine talking about hey girlfriend." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, all this damn education in the world, and ignorance still prevails in professional organizations. When a leader can articulately define what serving openly gays mean, then I will debate it. In my opinion, serving openly gay means having the same rights and privileges that heterosexual couple have. Serving openly means not having to hide as a female, that I have a girlfriend, or lying about my whereabouts to my squad mates this weekend. It doesn't mean someone coming "tooted" up to formation articulating the gay sterotypes my comrades in arms loves to exploit. The results of our office survey, 7 out of 11 personnel were against repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell.
I have a question. How many leaders have served with openly gay soldiers? How many leaders have served with outstanding soldiers who you trust your flipping life with, who were openly gay? I would assume that 70 percent of leaders have been in this situation. And never did it cross our mind to report him or her under "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Mostly because as long as a soldier does his or her job, it doesn't matter to us who you go home to at night. So with all that said, is there ignorance still out there. Yes, I recently read an article in the NY times, where a soldier said, "Taking showers will be awkward." REALLY!!! REALLY!!! Why would taking showers be awkward, because you assume that every gay man wants you, or because you are just that damn stupid.
As a leader, when do we stop making excuses for our soldiers ignorance. Why is it okay for a Commander to segregate soldiers based on sexual orientation. It has never been okay as a leader to condone prejudice and ignorance, however, in my opinion, allowing sexual orientation dictate living arrangements or what unit he or she is assigned too is condoning a person's prejudice. If you are an adult, he or she needs to be treated as such, deal with it. The same way a soldier deals with the platoon leader that he hates, is the same way a soldier deals with a gay roommate.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Untitled
How do I start? I have no clue. For the past seven years, I have been dating. I just have not met that one person who gives me butterflies in my stomach. I just haven't met that guy. I know everyone has that signal feeling that tells them if this person is worth his or her time. However, over the past seven years, I think there was one, and he was a dud. Of course there are those who give me that general feeling of like, or I like some of their attributes. But when the nervousness subsided, I was confronted with the same man I have dated in seven years past. And now I am faced with the decision to determine if I want to go forward or to cease and desist. In the book, Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth had the same dilemma, she had dated the same type of man for years. You know the guy, he is your pattern, he is the norm. You don't notice the norm until you are alone dating this man and realize that this type of realtionship blows. That in all actuality, you aren't in a relationship. I have been presented with three different types of men in the past seven years. So what the difference between 20 year old Erica and 27 year old Erica. I consciously recognize that I have made mistakes, that while, fortunately contributed to my development, have ultimately left me bitter, upset, and emotionally dependent upon a 3lb dog. So the question remains, who are these men, who cause so much heartache to men. Let's review my past after the cheater/heart breaker/and impregnator (not me)
The Warden
The Warden is usually an older guy, around the age of 40-47, however there are some officers in training around the age of 25-35 who are looking to retire the older prison warden. The warden is a man who must know everything. He wants to know your every move every time of the day. And even though he has you under lock and key, he has every right to go do whatever he wants. And when you question him about his whereabouts, well, he owes you nothing, because you are the prisoner and he is warden. Now, the warden, it seems that he is doing you a service, that he is really helping you, and that he is protecting you. However, he's not. When times get tough, when you are in the hospital in need of someone to take care of you, he won't be. Your true friends will be there, but the warden won't. On the contrary, the warden's friend will be the one to take you too and pick you up from the hospital. Now, what the prison warden is good for is making you feel guilty for the shit you do. While you drove home doped on percocet, he will blow up your phone asking why you didn't come over after your surgery. Because the first thing on your mind, after having your appendix removed is sex. Oh, remember when you went home for your momma's birthday. You know the lady who gave birth to you, well the warden will quiz you about every second of the day. He will even have the audacity to ask if you had sex while you were at the crib. Yes, in his mind on your momma's birthday you had sex with some guy. Oh, let's not forget that since you are now the warden's property, you aren't allowed to go anywhere by yourself. Sorry those are just the rules.
Mr. I don't Wanna
I am pretty sure, I am not the only person who has encountered this type of man. But ladies, why do we continue to be hoodwinked by this character. Who is Mr. I don't Wanna? He is the man, who for some reason presents every attribute that we think we want, until he drops that dreaded line, I don't want a relationship. So you ask yourself, "Really. I mean not even with me. I thought we were having such a good time." So, being who we are, we say, look, I feel what you saying, but I can change your mind. So we end up on this whirlwind romance the ultimately ends up sending you into depression, because he told us, I don't want a relationship. And we didn't heed the warning. Oh, yes, this man is great. He holds you, he tells you all the things you want to hear. He is the man who is in touch with his intimate side. You all have the best sex ever. He hits that spot right and everytime. He is the guy who gave you the butterflies in your stomach, and made you nervous on that first date. STAY AWAY!!! Again I say, STAY AWAY!!! All that greatness will lead to your ultimate demise. You will be left in a puddle of tears because like he said before he doesn't want a relationship.
Mr. Stalker
This guy is undercover. He can be any age and probably has more problems than you know. He will lie, or leave out important information pertinent that is necessary to make an informed decision. He will quickly fall in love with you, and you probably have only been on a couple of dates with him. Whether or not you give up the goods or not will determine the severity of the stalking. However, all stalkers are prone to violence. Now, to you, Mr. Stalker is not anything special. He is pretty much like every guy you give a chance, but is just not your type. These are the warning signs you need to beware of. Mr. Stalker takes you to meet his family on the second date. Mr. Stalker will just show up at your house, meaning, you could be walking your dog, and BAM there he is. The last indicator is that he hides pertinent information from you, such as he has children.
Now these are three categories of men I have had the pleasure of meeting during my seven year stint of being on the market. And I caution you. Avoid them at all costs. It's not worth the heartache. Now I know, it pretty much seems like there is no hope left. Because all of the men you meet fall into one of the three categories, or probably other one's not discussed. Well, I know their are other men who will treat you right. I personally haven't met any of them, however, my friends have some good men who love them dearly and treat them like Queens. Well, at least that is what they tell me.
DEUCES!!!
The Warden
The Warden is usually an older guy, around the age of 40-47, however there are some officers in training around the age of 25-35 who are looking to retire the older prison warden. The warden is a man who must know everything. He wants to know your every move every time of the day. And even though he has you under lock and key, he has every right to go do whatever he wants. And when you question him about his whereabouts, well, he owes you nothing, because you are the prisoner and he is warden. Now, the warden, it seems that he is doing you a service, that he is really helping you, and that he is protecting you. However, he's not. When times get tough, when you are in the hospital in need of someone to take care of you, he won't be. Your true friends will be there, but the warden won't. On the contrary, the warden's friend will be the one to take you too and pick you up from the hospital. Now, what the prison warden is good for is making you feel guilty for the shit you do. While you drove home doped on percocet, he will blow up your phone asking why you didn't come over after your surgery. Because the first thing on your mind, after having your appendix removed is sex. Oh, remember when you went home for your momma's birthday. You know the lady who gave birth to you, well the warden will quiz you about every second of the day. He will even have the audacity to ask if you had sex while you were at the crib. Yes, in his mind on your momma's birthday you had sex with some guy. Oh, let's not forget that since you are now the warden's property, you aren't allowed to go anywhere by yourself. Sorry those are just the rules.
Mr. I don't Wanna
I am pretty sure, I am not the only person who has encountered this type of man. But ladies, why do we continue to be hoodwinked by this character. Who is Mr. I don't Wanna? He is the man, who for some reason presents every attribute that we think we want, until he drops that dreaded line, I don't want a relationship. So you ask yourself, "Really. I mean not even with me. I thought we were having such a good time." So, being who we are, we say, look, I feel what you saying, but I can change your mind. So we end up on this whirlwind romance the ultimately ends up sending you into depression, because he told us, I don't want a relationship. And we didn't heed the warning. Oh, yes, this man is great. He holds you, he tells you all the things you want to hear. He is the man who is in touch with his intimate side. You all have the best sex ever. He hits that spot right and everytime. He is the guy who gave you the butterflies in your stomach, and made you nervous on that first date. STAY AWAY!!! Again I say, STAY AWAY!!! All that greatness will lead to your ultimate demise. You will be left in a puddle of tears because like he said before he doesn't want a relationship.
Mr. Stalker
This guy is undercover. He can be any age and probably has more problems than you know. He will lie, or leave out important information pertinent that is necessary to make an informed decision. He will quickly fall in love with you, and you probably have only been on a couple of dates with him. Whether or not you give up the goods or not will determine the severity of the stalking. However, all stalkers are prone to violence. Now, to you, Mr. Stalker is not anything special. He is pretty much like every guy you give a chance, but is just not your type. These are the warning signs you need to beware of. Mr. Stalker takes you to meet his family on the second date. Mr. Stalker will just show up at your house, meaning, you could be walking your dog, and BAM there he is. The last indicator is that he hides pertinent information from you, such as he has children.
Now these are three categories of men I have had the pleasure of meeting during my seven year stint of being on the market. And I caution you. Avoid them at all costs. It's not worth the heartache. Now I know, it pretty much seems like there is no hope left. Because all of the men you meet fall into one of the three categories, or probably other one's not discussed. Well, I know their are other men who will treat you right. I personally haven't met any of them, however, my friends have some good men who love them dearly and treat them like Queens. Well, at least that is what they tell me.
DEUCES!!!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Holidays
I know the holidays are an important part of the year. It's nothing like Thanksgiving that gets the gears in folks head turning. Remember all the countless past holiday experiences, whether good or bad. There is nothing like being deployed to Afghanistan, that gets you thinking about how blessed a person really is. There are thousands of soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq who honestly don't even get to celebrate Thanksgiving for one reason or another. I ask that you keep those folks in mind as you sit down and eat turkey!!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
No clue
I have no clue what this blog is going to be about. I basically just need to vent. Today has been one of those days, when I have contemplated on me. Of course my thoughts went to blaming other folks. But I quickly snapped myself back to the problem is me. I am to nice, I am to bitchy, I don't stand up for my self, I have no standards, basically I need to get it together. What led to all of this you may ask. A man, asked me today if I have ever had a boyfriend. Of course I was slightly offended. I am 27 years old. If I have not had a boyfriend by now, something is terribly terribly wrong. However, I have been put through the wringer. However, it's not really anybody fault but mine that I have dated the losers, had a series of false starts that ultimately failed because I was not ready. I can pretty much say, that I have let my break up of Matt affect every potential relationship that has thus failed. Well, he can't have all the credit, my dad shares about 80 percent of the blame, my mom's death about 10 percent and then the other 10 percent my dad. I probably need counseling. BUT NO!!! The only thing that is Matthew Pride's fault is that he is a liar and a cheater. He cheated and lied on me. But that's it. That sin is no greater than me lying to a friend about her weight or how cute her outfit was. Did I pitch a fit. SURE DID!!! It's over. Well, that relationship is over, but the after affects of that relationship has rendered me incapable of continuing into any other healthy relationship. Why, because of my fears of being left alone. I have been on my own for so long, (not as long as others of course, this is not a whoo is me pity party) but long enough to know that I am comfortable being alone. The fear of death, the fear of abandonment the fear of being lied to and cheated on again, is to hard to bear.
So what is the point of it. I saw a man who before he left for leave was interested in me, and then when he came back acted like I didn't exist. Of course I was hurt. Because I couldn't for the life of me wonder what I had done to cause him to ignore me the way he had. Did he get back with his ex wife? Is he over worked? WTF. I still have no clue, and when I saw him today, I was at the point of telling him he sucked because he acted like I didn't exist any more. But then I started to wonder did I do anything to cause this. YES I DID!!! I wasn't as interested as I should. I was very cautious when I probably should have been more open. I didn't even give the poor man a chance. I used work as my excuse not to see him, when in all actuality, I was a little scared to be around him. Or nervous. I thought he was too good to be true. Or maybe I wasn't really that interested. Bottom line, I didn't give him a chance and I should have.
Then I think about my father, and all the let downs he has provided me in my life. How many promises he has broken over the years, starting with him saying he was going to pick me up and take me driving, and I sat all day waiting for him. I was 15. And I remember like it was yesterday, waiting for him in the front room wondering if he was going to come. I cried. That's when I discovered I hated crying. I didn't want my mom or anyone to know that he had hurt me because he had let me down. He's the reason, men really only get one shot. One broken promise, and to the curb that man goes.
The big question is, how does a person open up and just let shit be!!!
Still working on that one!!!
So what is the point of it. I saw a man who before he left for leave was interested in me, and then when he came back acted like I didn't exist. Of course I was hurt. Because I couldn't for the life of me wonder what I had done to cause him to ignore me the way he had. Did he get back with his ex wife? Is he over worked? WTF. I still have no clue, and when I saw him today, I was at the point of telling him he sucked because he acted like I didn't exist any more. But then I started to wonder did I do anything to cause this. YES I DID!!! I wasn't as interested as I should. I was very cautious when I probably should have been more open. I didn't even give the poor man a chance. I used work as my excuse not to see him, when in all actuality, I was a little scared to be around him. Or nervous. I thought he was too good to be true. Or maybe I wasn't really that interested. Bottom line, I didn't give him a chance and I should have.
Then I think about my father, and all the let downs he has provided me in my life. How many promises he has broken over the years, starting with him saying he was going to pick me up and take me driving, and I sat all day waiting for him. I was 15. And I remember like it was yesterday, waiting for him in the front room wondering if he was going to come. I cried. That's when I discovered I hated crying. I didn't want my mom or anyone to know that he had hurt me because he had let me down. He's the reason, men really only get one shot. One broken promise, and to the curb that man goes.
The big question is, how does a person open up and just let shit be!!!
Still working on that one!!!
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