Wednesday, November 24, 2010


I know the holidays are an important part of the year.  It's nothing like Thanksgiving that gets the gears in folks head turning.  Remember all the countless past holiday experiences, whether good or bad.  There is nothing like being deployed to Afghanistan, that gets you thinking about how blessed a person really is.  There are thousands of soldiers in  Afghanistan and Iraq who honestly don't even get to celebrate Thanksgiving for one reason or another.  I ask that you keep those folks in mind as you sit down and eat turkey!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

No clue

I have no clue what this blog is going to be about.  I basically just need to vent.  Today has been one of those days, when I have contemplated on me.  Of course my thoughts went to blaming other folks.  But I quickly snapped myself back to the problem is me.  I am to nice, I am to bitchy, I don't stand up for my self, I have no standards, basically I need to get it together.  What led to all of this you may ask.  A man, asked me today if I have ever had a boyfriend.  Of course I was slightly offended.  I am 27 years old.  If I have not had a boyfriend by now, something is terribly terribly wrong.  However, I have been put through the wringer.  However, it's not really anybody fault but mine that I have dated the losers, had a series of false starts that ultimately failed because I was not ready.  I can pretty much say, that I have let my break up of Matt affect every potential relationship that has thus failed.  Well, he can't have all the credit, my dad shares about 80 percent of the blame, my mom's death about 10 percent and then the other 10 percent my dad.  I probably need counseling.  BUT NO!!!  The only thing that is Matthew Pride's fault is that he is a liar and a cheater.  He cheated and lied on me.  But that's it.  That sin is no greater than me lying to a friend about her weight or how cute her outfit was.  Did I pitch a fit.  SURE DID!!!  It's over.  Well, that relationship is over, but the after affects of that relationship has rendered me incapable of continuing into any other healthy relationship.  Why, because of my fears of being left alone.  I have been on my own for so long, (not as long as others of course, this is not a whoo is me pity party) but long enough to know that I am comfortable being alone.  The fear of death, the fear of abandonment the fear of being lied to and cheated on again, is to hard to bear. 

So what is the point of it.  I saw a man who before he left for leave was interested in me, and then when he came back acted like I didn't exist.  Of course I was hurt.  Because I couldn't for the life of me wonder what I had done to cause him to ignore me the way he had.  Did he get back with his ex wife?  Is he over worked?  WTF.  I still have no clue, and when I saw him today, I was at the point of telling him he sucked because he acted like I didn't exist any more.  But then I started to wonder did I do anything to cause this.  YES I DID!!!  I wasn't as interested as I should.  I was very cautious when I probably should have been more open.  I didn't even give the poor man a chance.  I used work as my excuse not to see him, when in all actuality, I was a little scared to be around him.  Or nervous.  I thought he was too good to be true.  Or maybe I wasn't really that interested.  Bottom line, I didn't give him a chance and I should have.

Then I think about my father, and all the let downs he has provided me in my life.  How many promises he has broken over the years, starting with him saying he was going to pick me up and take me driving, and I sat all day waiting for him.  I was 15.  And I remember like it was yesterday, waiting for him in the front room wondering if he was going to come.  I cried.  That's when I discovered I hated crying.  I didn't want my mom or anyone to know that he had hurt me because he had let me down.  He's the reason, men really only get one shot.  One broken promise, and to the curb that man goes.

The big question is, how does a person open up and just let shit be!!! 

Still working on that one!!!

Friday, November 12, 2010


I had an interesting conversation with a friend.  He said, remember when you said, "You remember when you said you just like to go."  I always forget why it feels so good to be single.  I can never understand for the life of me why single is the way to be.  And he hit the nail on the head today.  The fact that a person like me, who rarely makes plans, but will just put down a dish of food for Casey and go away for a weekend, will just GO!!!!  That is my life.  To give myself a little credit.  Things that tend to be cheaper such as plane tickets or cruises I will book in advance.  But weekend excursions, well it best be said, the Continental United States needs to be ready because here I come.  I just love to be gone.  I am the traveler that my mom was and always wanted to be. 

Countless times, I have had argument with some man at the time of the following issues:

Why I disappeared for a whole weekend?
Who I was with for a whole week?
Why I left?
How come I didn't invite him?
Did you sleep with him???!!!
My personal favorite, "When you went home who did you see?"


BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!  This list goes on.  I  hate having these arguments.  I honestly have no answer for him as to why he was not my companion.  I kind of look at him dumbfounded asking myself, "Why wouldn't I go somewhere by myself, and why would I ask you to go with me?"  And what the %^*( kind of question is that to ask me?  Please don't get me wrong.  I am a proponent of couple related excursions.  I would like nothing more to go around the world with my new boo...or potential boo or whoever it may be.  But it just never happens like that.  The things I like to do, he has no interest. 

Wait...that is a lie!!!

The reason I go by myself is because it is easy.  I don't have to worry about someone else getting bored with the things I like to do.  I don't have to sit and entertain some guy when all I really want to do is sleep.  I can leave the hotel anytime I want to instead of waking up at the butt crack of dawn to beat traffic.  I can go visit art museums, sex shops, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, malls, and whatever else I want without worrying about the opposite sex pushing me to leave or pulling me to stay.  I have the freedom to stay somewhere as long as I like.  I can spend as much or as little money as I want and not have to worry if the man can afford it.  Because let's be honest on this one particular point...for some reason men don't like to spend money on the finer things or the practical things.  For example, though I live two hours from Vegas, this does not mean I want to drive to Vegas for a Cirque du Solelil Show and then drive all the way back in the same night.  WHY????  There are numerous reasons.  The main one is, I will probably be intoxicated the from the time of arrival until the end of the show.  Secondly, because it's Vegas.  There is always great food, great accomodations, great everything.  So no mister, I am not doing a roundtrip to Vegas in one day.  So I will continue to travel alone until I can find someone bearable who will do the things I would like to do.  Now, I no that relationships go both ways.  And I guess I am not really the person to take on vacations because I have rarely been invited by a man to join him on so much as a day trip.  So it is what it is.

So what have I gone and gotten myself into.  There's so much.  I think one thing my friends can count on me for is spontaneity.  When I do travel with someone and want a friend, I will just ask one to go to some place.  The latest excursion will be a half marathon in Orlando.  My bestie, Danielle is joining me for this.  Yea, I thought about doing it alone, but I remembered that 5K I did.  Though it was for a good cause, I was rather lonely crossing that finish line and no one to hug.  Anyway, yes, Danielle will be joining me for this grueling 13 mile trek around Disney World.  And then what.  Well to reward myself for sitting for a year in Afghanistan staring at a computer screen, supposedly aiding the war on terrorism, I am going on a cruise.  OoOoOh one might say.  Who are you going with you are probably wondering?  NO ONE!!!!  I said it, that's right.  I am going by myself.  After months of trying to decide if I wanted to wonder around Europe again by myself, or trek up the Inca Trail I decided to go on a cruise.  Why am I going by myself.  Because as much as I would love to share my post deployment fun with homies from school or childhood can't go for various reason.  Then my civilian friends they have to get off work, and I have to deal with the whole, well I have vacation days and I already had them planned out.  Then there is the whole, OMG I though cruises were cheap.  I would rather just avoid all of that rejection and let down and just go by myself.  So sorry, if I didn't tell you, but I am going on a myself.  Get over it.  To all my friends who are mad because I didn't ask, I am sorry.  To those of you who I did ask and you couldn't give me a straight answer...blame yourself. 

Which brings me to the next subject.  I love my friends.  They have been my cornerstone for a lot of things.  The death of my mother, my secret mental breakdowns where I cry endlessly for no reason.  The list goes on.  However, the same way you have your own agenda, I have my own timeline to keep.  So don't get mad at me for wanting to do something different.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

More Gray than Black and White

Recently I watched a really bad movie, "The Killers," where the leading character's mother replied to her daughter, "You married your father.  I know I did."  So for the past three days this line has irked me beyond belief.  Is this a true statement?

If you look at me and my friends, we are a myriad of different personalities from an array of households.  Some come from happy two parent households, others come from unstable two parent households.  Then there are some of us who were raised in divorce households who knew the other parent.  Then there is the last group, the ones who group up in a single parent household.  I fall into the latter category.  I was raised in a single parent household where the only resemblance of my father were infrequent phone calls that have left me as a bitter adult who probably should seek counsel in the near future.  So, what is the issue at hand?

At face the value, if a woman marries her father, then the simple answer to this question is, of course us without father will grow up to marry losers.  You know the ones, the men who are unable to commit but we keep them around.  The ones who cheat and we keep going back but we can't seem to just let go.  Fatherless women have not guideline, no criteria to judge men.  Being an adult out in the world with no mother, I have learned the world is a lot more gray than black and white.  There is no correct answer of who a woman should date or should not date.  But there is a deeper issue at heart rather than who you date.  The question should be asked, what criteria does a fatherless woman have when choosing a potential mate.  (I have been pondering this for a long time)  And, the even bigger question, what role does a woman's genes and past play into her romantic future? 

Well, without a father figure in my life, there were definitely other options to look at as role models.  A girl could always go back to her grandfather, who didn't really much like children.  So I guess I can count him out.  Or, I can choose from my three philandering uncles who love women and many of them.  I must mention by the way, that my grandfather who raised my three uncles was married to my grandmother until his death.  So again, I ask who are a girls examples.  And with my familial example, do role models in a young woman's life even matter.  I said I had example, not good ones.  And even though I condone my uncles habits, I must say to some extent I am like them.  As much as the enjoy the company of multiple women, I enjoy being the center of attention of multiple women.  I enjoy being chased.  Is this a learned behavior?  Is this behavior genetic? 

My answers to all these questions are  yes.  To some extent, the male figures in a woman's life are very important and crucial.  My observations of people as a child has translated into my behavior as an adult.  It is probably in my genes to cheat.  But isn't it in everyone.  When did monogamy become the name of the game...beginning of the 20th century.  But I am digressing into a whole nother argument. 

When the male figure is absent from his daughter's life, she is left to experiment, pick and choose from what may seem right and what may seem wrong.  So is this the reason why so many young fatherless women, including myself have failed at finding a mate.  But many of my friends who came from married households find themselves in loving relationships.  NO CLUE...and this is nothing that will be settled in this blog.  But isn't it a interesting conversation to have with your girlfriends.

Monday, November 8, 2010

For Colored Girls

On request from Johnathan, I was asked to use this space to review movies.  However this seems to be a little hard from a war zone.  Lucky him, I was in the states this past week, and I was able to view the long awaited Tyler Perry "Masterpiece"  For Colored Girls. 

I am usually the one who has her head stuck in a book, reading the lovely limricks or sojourn journeys of men and women who are unable to tell his or her own story.  However, For Colored Girls, I have never read the book/poems nor have I seen the play.  Though I have heard of it, I never had the chance or even the motivation to read it.  So this for me is a first, seeing a movie for before reading the book.  OH HOW I WISH I READ THE BOOK FIRST OR WAS BORN IN 1960 SO I COULD GO SEE THE PLAY!!!

I watched this movie, and to it's credit, it was definitely better than, "I Can Do Bad All By Myself."  An though many men feel that this was a movie ragging on black men, it's not.  It's not a pity movie about women talking about how bad men are, or how bad her baby's daddy is.  This movie addresses issues women encountered in the 1970s as well as 2010.  Amazing, how issues that were once taboo in the 1970s are just strewn across a movie screen in 2010.  Eight stories of women's plight, poverty, self esteem, fear, incest, and down low games are the movie's streaming undertones.  Tough topics for one movie to handle in 120 minutes.  However, Tyler tried.  Though the movie is sometimes "weird" meaning, in one second the women are having a regular conversations and then in the next reciting a poem sometimes feels misplaced and irrepresentative of what the true meaning of the poem was suppose to be about.  The movie was still entertaining.  Not as heavy as Precious where I balled my eyes out, but not to light where you don't get anything from it.  As much as Tyler tried to make this movie like the Hollywood Hits Chicago, and Rent, it wasn't.  And probably should not have been.

Even so, the movie relayed a good message.  One that all women can relate too.  This movie is not for the ignorant.  And I address this comment to the woman in the movie theater who kept calling this man a faggot, practically ruining my last day in DC.  Yes, there is a down low brother.  Yes the implied consequence of this is HIV.  However, living in the 21st Century, ADULTS should be able to handle a Rated-R movie which handles issues such as this.  Maybe this is why homosexual men don't come out, because of the fear of the tirade that a black woman may inflict on him when he comes out.  Any way, I digress.  At the tender age of 27, I can only recount the many times I fell in and out of love.  Or the one time, I thought I was pregnant, and had to come up with a plan.  The point is, all women, not just black women, but all women can relate to some theme in this movie.  Every woman knows a friend who was raped by a family member or friend.  Everyone woman has a friend or was that woman in an abusive relationship.  And every woman has made mistakes that lead to some type of defining consequence her life.  These are the scars that women carry around with them.  That many men don't know of. 

This was a good movie.  A stellar cast with Whoopie and Thandie opposing each other as mother and daughter kept me on the edge of my seat.  Lorretta Devine played the comical character that all of us wish we had the strength to be when realizing the end of a horrible relationship.  Kerry Washington and Kimberly Elise Neal played strong characters.  Anika Rose was awesome as the exuberant dancer betrayed.  And Janet Jackson tried.

Is there a reason why Janet must play the typical angry black women.  I mean honestly, did anyone believe that she really tore up her own house in Why Did I Get Married II?  I didn't.  I have homegirls back on the block that could have done it more convincingly.  Why is she the poster child for angry black women??!!!  Okay, that is all I have...

Love ya