Thursday, December 23, 2010


I have no clue what just happened.  I just know that sometimes I lay at night in bed missing your arms.  And the only thing that takes my mind off of you is thinking about the don'ts and the can'ts and will never be.  The biggest don't is you are not ready for a relationship with anyone.  You don't believe in titles, and ultimately have ever ruled out the chance of you actually loving someone in my opinion.  That is your path in life, not mine.  You expect me to be at your beck in call, but when I want to spend time together, I pretty much need to suck it up as a day alone.  You can't allow yourself to apologize for your harsh words.  Instead of talking shit out, you argue and throw tantrums that I personally am not going to deal with.  Remember when you got mad at me because I didn't text you for a day.  But when the roles are reversed, it's okay for you to ignore me days, even a week at a time.  You accuse me of playing games, when in acutality, you're the one playing games.  Waiting for me to send you a message the moment after I see you.  But I won't.  It's just not in my nature to chase after something that is just not meant to last and withstand.  It's not in my nature to console you and make you feel at ease when you are insecure about so many other issues in your life.  The same way you refuse to deal with the consequences of some other man's actions.  I refuse to be punished because some chick hurt your feelings so long ago.  I won't be subjected to you angry words that attempt to belittle me because someone else lied to you in the past, when I have been only honest. 

I admit, I played a role in our demise.  I attempted to control and influence a whole nother person.  I tried to manipulate a situation that was not meant to be.  I tried to be like every other chick and wow you with all the skills I picked up over the journey to adulthood and relationships.  I temporarily had a waterhead moment.  And while, I tried, I failed.  I can accept that, because I have failed alot when it comes to relationships.  I am proud of those failures, because it will lead me to the moment where I only need to be successful once with the right person.

But in the same token you failed.  You failed to realize what goodness you had in front of you.  You failed to understand the depths that I would have gone to be with you, satisfy you and maybe eventually make a home for us.  Well, those are just the musings of a young woman who knows exactly what she wants and is no longer ashamed of them.

So when I see you, I will continue to smile, and momentarily reflect on the great times together.  But it only lasted momentarily, and it was needed to get me to this exact moment in my life.  To be free of any regret that I may harbor for any decisions I made. 

Read at your own risk!!!

What makes you more upset, ignorance or incompetence?  I use to think incompetence pissed me off the point of wanting to punch people in the face, but ignorance has surely won this round.  I'm pretty liberal, so as long as a person doesn't sacrafice another human being in the name of religion, I'm pretty much down with whatever beliefs a person has.  While, they may not be for me, "Do what you Do" is my motto.  So what happened you may ask.  Well, recently, the government has put an end to legalized bigotry.  Bill Clinton's policy on Homosexuals in the military "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was recently repealed.  So what does that mean for the military.  IGNORANCE!!!  This will be a difficult time for the military as it once again strives to accept people who aren't WASPS. (white anglo saxon protestants)

An Army Major asked the question, "Who in this office to this survey that says the military personnel think its okay to serve openly gay in the military?"  Of course, no one in this office was asked to take the survey.  So the Army Major proceeds to take his own survey.  I stupidly asked the question, what does serving openly mean.  Of course I got the whole, your a support officer and never been in a combat unit.  That dude don't know me or my career so hush up Army Major.  Now, let's take a step back for a moment and answer the following question, "What does serving gay mean?"  The Army Major has his own definition, "Serving gay is when a male soldier comes to work and is really feminine talking about hey girlfriend."  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, all this damn education in the world, and ignorance still prevails in professional organizations.  When a leader can articulately define what serving openly gays mean, then I will debate it.  In my opinion, serving openly gay means having the same rights and privileges that heterosexual couple have.  Serving openly means not having to hide as a female, that I have a girlfriend, or lying about my whereabouts to my squad mates this weekend.  It doesn't mean someone coming "tooted" up to formation articulating the gay sterotypes my comrades in arms loves to exploit.  The results of our office survey, 7 out of 11 personnel were against repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell.

I have a question.  How many leaders have served with openly gay soldiers?  How many leaders have served with outstanding soldiers who you trust your flipping life with, who were openly gay?  I would assume that 70 percent of leaders have been in this situation.  And never did it cross our mind to report him or her under "Don't Ask Don't Tell"  Mostly because as long as a soldier does his or her job, it doesn't matter to us who you go home to at night.  So with all that said, is there ignorance still out there.  Yes, I recently read an article in the NY times, where a soldier said, "Taking showers will be awkward."  REALLY!!!  REALLY!!!  Why would taking showers be awkward, because you assume that every gay man wants you, or because you are just that damn stupid.

As a leader, when do we stop making excuses for our soldiers ignorance.  Why is it okay for a Commander to segregate soldiers based on sexual orientation.  It has never been okay as a leader to condone prejudice and ignorance, however, in my opinion, allowing sexual orientation dictate living arrangements or what unit he or she is assigned too is condoning a person's prejudice.  If you are an adult, he or she needs to be treated as such, deal with it.  The same way a soldier deals with the platoon leader that he hates, is the same way a soldier deals with a gay roommate.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


How do I start?  I have no clue.  For the past seven years, I have been dating.  I just have not met that one person who gives me butterflies in my stomach.  I just haven't met that guy.  I know everyone has that signal feeling that tells them if this person is worth his or her time.  However, over the past seven years, I think there was one, and he was a dud.  Of course there are those who give me that general feeling of like, or I like some of their attributes.  But when the nervousness subsided, I was confronted with the same man I have dated in seven years past.  And now I am faced with the decision to determine if I want to go forward or to cease and desist.  In the book, Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth had the same dilemma, she had dated the same type of man for years.  You know the guy, he is your pattern, he is the norm.  You don't notice the norm until you are alone dating this man and realize that this type of realtionship blows.  That in all actuality, you aren't in a relationship.  I have been presented with three different types of men in the past seven years.  So what the difference between 20 year old Erica and 27 year old Erica.  I consciously recognize that I have made mistakes, that while, fortunately contributed to my development, have ultimately left me bitter, upset, and emotionally dependent upon a 3lb dog.  So the question remains, who are these  men, who cause so much heartache to men.  Let's review my past after the cheater/heart breaker/and impregnator (not me)

The Warden
The Warden is usually an older guy, around the age of 40-47, however there are some officers in training around the age of 25-35 who are looking to retire the older prison warden.  The warden is a man who must know everything.  He wants to know your every move every time of the day.  And even though he has you under lock and key, he has every right to go do whatever he wants.  And when you question him about his whereabouts, well, he owes you nothing, because you are the prisoner and he is warden.  Now, the warden, it seems that he is doing you a service, that he is really helping you, and that he is protecting you.  However, he's not.  When times get tough, when you are in the hospital in need of someone to take care of you, he won't be.  Your true friends will be there, but the warden won't.  On the contrary, the warden's friend will be the one to take you too and pick you up from the hospital.  Now, what the prison warden is good for is making you feel guilty for the shit you do.  While you drove home doped on percocet, he will blow up your phone asking why you didn't come over after your surgery.  Because the first thing on your mind, after having your appendix removed is sex.  Oh, remember when you went home for your momma's birthday.  You know the lady who gave birth to you, well the warden will quiz you about every second of the day.  He will even have the audacity to ask if you had sex while you were at the crib.  Yes, in his mind on your momma's birthday you had sex with some guy.  Oh, let's not forget that since you are now the warden's property, you aren't allowed to go anywhere by yourself.  Sorry those are just the rules.

Mr. I don't Wanna
I am pretty sure, I am not the only person who has encountered this type of man.  But ladies, why do we continue to be hoodwinked by this character.  Who is Mr. I don't Wanna?  He is the man, who for some reason presents every attribute that we think we want, until he drops that dreaded line, I don't want a relationship.  So you ask yourself, "Really.  I mean not even with me.  I thought we were having such a good time."  So, being who we are, we say, look, I feel what you saying, but I can change your mind.  So we end up on this whirlwind romance the ultimately ends up sending you into depression,  because he told us, I don't want a relationship.  And we didn't heed the warning.  Oh, yes, this man is great.  He holds you, he tells you all the things you want to hear.  He is the man who is in touch with his intimate side.  You all have the best sex ever.  He hits that spot right and everytime.  He is the guy who gave you the butterflies in your stomach, and made you nervous on that first date.  STAY AWAY!!!  Again I say, STAY AWAY!!!  All that greatness will lead to your ultimate demise.  You will be left in a puddle of tears because like he said before he doesn't want a relationship.

Mr. Stalker
This guy is undercover.  He can be any age and probably has more problems than you know.  He will lie, or leave out important information pertinent that is necessary to make an informed decision.  He will quickly fall in love with you, and you probably have only been on a couple of dates with him.  Whether or not you give up the goods or not will determine the severity of the stalking.  However, all stalkers are prone to violence.  Now, to you, Mr. Stalker is not anything special.  He is pretty much like every guy you give a chance, but is just not your type.  These are the warning signs you need to beware of.  Mr. Stalker takes you to meet his family on the second date.  Mr. Stalker will just show up at your house, meaning, you could be walking your dog, and BAM there he is.  The last indicator is that he hides pertinent information from you, such as he has children. 

Now these are three categories of men I have had the pleasure of meeting during my seven year stint of being on the market.  And I caution you.  Avoid them at all costs.  It's not worth the heartache.  Now I know, it pretty much seems like there is no hope left.  Because all of the men you meet fall into one of the three categories, or probably other one's not discussed.  Well, I know their are other men who will treat you right.  I personally haven't met any of them, however, my friends have some good men who love them dearly and treat them like Queens.  Well, at least that is what they tell me.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010


I know the holidays are an important part of the year.  It's nothing like Thanksgiving that gets the gears in folks head turning.  Remember all the countless past holiday experiences, whether good or bad.  There is nothing like being deployed to Afghanistan, that gets you thinking about how blessed a person really is.  There are thousands of soldiers in  Afghanistan and Iraq who honestly don't even get to celebrate Thanksgiving for one reason or another.  I ask that you keep those folks in mind as you sit down and eat turkey!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

No clue

I have no clue what this blog is going to be about.  I basically just need to vent.  Today has been one of those days, when I have contemplated on me.  Of course my thoughts went to blaming other folks.  But I quickly snapped myself back to the problem is me.  I am to nice, I am to bitchy, I don't stand up for my self, I have no standards, basically I need to get it together.  What led to all of this you may ask.  A man, asked me today if I have ever had a boyfriend.  Of course I was slightly offended.  I am 27 years old.  If I have not had a boyfriend by now, something is terribly terribly wrong.  However, I have been put through the wringer.  However, it's not really anybody fault but mine that I have dated the losers, had a series of false starts that ultimately failed because I was not ready.  I can pretty much say, that I have let my break up of Matt affect every potential relationship that has thus failed.  Well, he can't have all the credit, my dad shares about 80 percent of the blame, my mom's death about 10 percent and then the other 10 percent my dad.  I probably need counseling.  BUT NO!!!  The only thing that is Matthew Pride's fault is that he is a liar and a cheater.  He cheated and lied on me.  But that's it.  That sin is no greater than me lying to a friend about her weight or how cute her outfit was.  Did I pitch a fit.  SURE DID!!!  It's over.  Well, that relationship is over, but the after affects of that relationship has rendered me incapable of continuing into any other healthy relationship.  Why, because of my fears of being left alone.  I have been on my own for so long, (not as long as others of course, this is not a whoo is me pity party) but long enough to know that I am comfortable being alone.  The fear of death, the fear of abandonment the fear of being lied to and cheated on again, is to hard to bear. 

So what is the point of it.  I saw a man who before he left for leave was interested in me, and then when he came back acted like I didn't exist.  Of course I was hurt.  Because I couldn't for the life of me wonder what I had done to cause him to ignore me the way he had.  Did he get back with his ex wife?  Is he over worked?  WTF.  I still have no clue, and when I saw him today, I was at the point of telling him he sucked because he acted like I didn't exist any more.  But then I started to wonder did I do anything to cause this.  YES I DID!!!  I wasn't as interested as I should.  I was very cautious when I probably should have been more open.  I didn't even give the poor man a chance.  I used work as my excuse not to see him, when in all actuality, I was a little scared to be around him.  Or nervous.  I thought he was too good to be true.  Or maybe I wasn't really that interested.  Bottom line, I didn't give him a chance and I should have.

Then I think about my father, and all the let downs he has provided me in my life.  How many promises he has broken over the years, starting with him saying he was going to pick me up and take me driving, and I sat all day waiting for him.  I was 15.  And I remember like it was yesterday, waiting for him in the front room wondering if he was going to come.  I cried.  That's when I discovered I hated crying.  I didn't want my mom or anyone to know that he had hurt me because he had let me down.  He's the reason, men really only get one shot.  One broken promise, and to the curb that man goes.

The big question is, how does a person open up and just let shit be!!! 

Still working on that one!!!

Friday, November 12, 2010


I had an interesting conversation with a friend.  He said, remember when you said, "You remember when you said you just like to go."  I always forget why it feels so good to be single.  I can never understand for the life of me why single is the way to be.  And he hit the nail on the head today.  The fact that a person like me, who rarely makes plans, but will just put down a dish of food for Casey and go away for a weekend, will just GO!!!!  That is my life.  To give myself a little credit.  Things that tend to be cheaper such as plane tickets or cruises I will book in advance.  But weekend excursions, well it best be said, the Continental United States needs to be ready because here I come.  I just love to be gone.  I am the traveler that my mom was and always wanted to be. 

Countless times, I have had argument with some man at the time of the following issues:

Why I disappeared for a whole weekend?
Who I was with for a whole week?
Why I left?
How come I didn't invite him?
Did you sleep with him???!!!
My personal favorite, "When you went home who did you see?"


BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!  This list goes on.  I  hate having these arguments.  I honestly have no answer for him as to why he was not my companion.  I kind of look at him dumbfounded asking myself, "Why wouldn't I go somewhere by myself, and why would I ask you to go with me?"  And what the %^*( kind of question is that to ask me?  Please don't get me wrong.  I am a proponent of couple related excursions.  I would like nothing more to go around the world with my new boo...or potential boo or whoever it may be.  But it just never happens like that.  The things I like to do, he has no interest. 

Wait...that is a lie!!!

The reason I go by myself is because it is easy.  I don't have to worry about someone else getting bored with the things I like to do.  I don't have to sit and entertain some guy when all I really want to do is sleep.  I can leave the hotel anytime I want to instead of waking up at the butt crack of dawn to beat traffic.  I can go visit art museums, sex shops, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, malls, and whatever else I want without worrying about the opposite sex pushing me to leave or pulling me to stay.  I have the freedom to stay somewhere as long as I like.  I can spend as much or as little money as I want and not have to worry if the man can afford it.  Because let's be honest on this one particular point...for some reason men don't like to spend money on the finer things or the practical things.  For example, though I live two hours from Vegas, this does not mean I want to drive to Vegas for a Cirque du Solelil Show and then drive all the way back in the same night.  WHY????  There are numerous reasons.  The main one is, I will probably be intoxicated the from the time of arrival until the end of the show.  Secondly, because it's Vegas.  There is always great food, great accomodations, great everything.  So no mister, I am not doing a roundtrip to Vegas in one day.  So I will continue to travel alone until I can find someone bearable who will do the things I would like to do.  Now, I no that relationships go both ways.  And I guess I am not really the person to take on vacations because I have rarely been invited by a man to join him on so much as a day trip.  So it is what it is.

So what have I gone and gotten myself into.  There's so much.  I think one thing my friends can count on me for is spontaneity.  When I do travel with someone and want a friend, I will just ask one to go to some place.  The latest excursion will be a half marathon in Orlando.  My bestie, Danielle is joining me for this.  Yea, I thought about doing it alone, but I remembered that 5K I did.  Though it was for a good cause, I was rather lonely crossing that finish line and no one to hug.  Anyway, yes, Danielle will be joining me for this grueling 13 mile trek around Disney World.  And then what.  Well to reward myself for sitting for a year in Afghanistan staring at a computer screen, supposedly aiding the war on terrorism, I am going on a cruise.  OoOoOh one might say.  Who are you going with you are probably wondering?  NO ONE!!!!  I said it, that's right.  I am going by myself.  After months of trying to decide if I wanted to wonder around Europe again by myself, or trek up the Inca Trail I decided to go on a cruise.  Why am I going by myself.  Because as much as I would love to share my post deployment fun with homies from school or childhood can't go for various reason.  Then my civilian friends they have to get off work, and I have to deal with the whole, well I have vacation days and I already had them planned out.  Then there is the whole, OMG I though cruises were cheap.  I would rather just avoid all of that rejection and let down and just go by myself.  So sorry, if I didn't tell you, but I am going on a myself.  Get over it.  To all my friends who are mad because I didn't ask, I am sorry.  To those of you who I did ask and you couldn't give me a straight answer...blame yourself. 

Which brings me to the next subject.  I love my friends.  They have been my cornerstone for a lot of things.  The death of my mother, my secret mental breakdowns where I cry endlessly for no reason.  The list goes on.  However, the same way you have your own agenda, I have my own timeline to keep.  So don't get mad at me for wanting to do something different.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

More Gray than Black and White

Recently I watched a really bad movie, "The Killers," where the leading character's mother replied to her daughter, "You married your father.  I know I did."  So for the past three days this line has irked me beyond belief.  Is this a true statement?

If you look at me and my friends, we are a myriad of different personalities from an array of households.  Some come from happy two parent households, others come from unstable two parent households.  Then there are some of us who were raised in divorce households who knew the other parent.  Then there is the last group, the ones who group up in a single parent household.  I fall into the latter category.  I was raised in a single parent household where the only resemblance of my father were infrequent phone calls that have left me as a bitter adult who probably should seek counsel in the near future.  So, what is the issue at hand?

At face the value, if a woman marries her father, then the simple answer to this question is, of course us without father will grow up to marry losers.  You know the ones, the men who are unable to commit but we keep them around.  The ones who cheat and we keep going back but we can't seem to just let go.  Fatherless women have not guideline, no criteria to judge men.  Being an adult out in the world with no mother, I have learned the world is a lot more gray than black and white.  There is no correct answer of who a woman should date or should not date.  But there is a deeper issue at heart rather than who you date.  The question should be asked, what criteria does a fatherless woman have when choosing a potential mate.  (I have been pondering this for a long time)  And, the even bigger question, what role does a woman's genes and past play into her romantic future? 

Well, without a father figure in my life, there were definitely other options to look at as role models.  A girl could always go back to her grandfather, who didn't really much like children.  So I guess I can count him out.  Or, I can choose from my three philandering uncles who love women and many of them.  I must mention by the way, that my grandfather who raised my three uncles was married to my grandmother until his death.  So again, I ask who are a girls examples.  And with my familial example, do role models in a young woman's life even matter.  I said I had example, not good ones.  And even though I condone my uncles habits, I must say to some extent I am like them.  As much as the enjoy the company of multiple women, I enjoy being the center of attention of multiple women.  I enjoy being chased.  Is this a learned behavior?  Is this behavior genetic? 

My answers to all these questions are  yes.  To some extent, the male figures in a woman's life are very important and crucial.  My observations of people as a child has translated into my behavior as an adult.  It is probably in my genes to cheat.  But isn't it in everyone.  When did monogamy become the name of the game...beginning of the 20th century.  But I am digressing into a whole nother argument. 

When the male figure is absent from his daughter's life, she is left to experiment, pick and choose from what may seem right and what may seem wrong.  So is this the reason why so many young fatherless women, including myself have failed at finding a mate.  But many of my friends who came from married households find themselves in loving relationships.  NO CLUE...and this is nothing that will be settled in this blog.  But isn't it a interesting conversation to have with your girlfriends.

Monday, November 8, 2010

For Colored Girls

On request from Johnathan, I was asked to use this space to review movies.  However this seems to be a little hard from a war zone.  Lucky him, I was in the states this past week, and I was able to view the long awaited Tyler Perry "Masterpiece"  For Colored Girls. 

I am usually the one who has her head stuck in a book, reading the lovely limricks or sojourn journeys of men and women who are unable to tell his or her own story.  However, For Colored Girls, I have never read the book/poems nor have I seen the play.  Though I have heard of it, I never had the chance or even the motivation to read it.  So this for me is a first, seeing a movie for before reading the book.  OH HOW I WISH I READ THE BOOK FIRST OR WAS BORN IN 1960 SO I COULD GO SEE THE PLAY!!!

I watched this movie, and to it's credit, it was definitely better than, "I Can Do Bad All By Myself."  An though many men feel that this was a movie ragging on black men, it's not.  It's not a pity movie about women talking about how bad men are, or how bad her baby's daddy is.  This movie addresses issues women encountered in the 1970s as well as 2010.  Amazing, how issues that were once taboo in the 1970s are just strewn across a movie screen in 2010.  Eight stories of women's plight, poverty, self esteem, fear, incest, and down low games are the movie's streaming undertones.  Tough topics for one movie to handle in 120 minutes.  However, Tyler tried.  Though the movie is sometimes "weird" meaning, in one second the women are having a regular conversations and then in the next reciting a poem sometimes feels misplaced and irrepresentative of what the true meaning of the poem was suppose to be about.  The movie was still entertaining.  Not as heavy as Precious where I balled my eyes out, but not to light where you don't get anything from it.  As much as Tyler tried to make this movie like the Hollywood Hits Chicago, and Rent, it wasn't.  And probably should not have been.

Even so, the movie relayed a good message.  One that all women can relate too.  This movie is not for the ignorant.  And I address this comment to the woman in the movie theater who kept calling this man a faggot, practically ruining my last day in DC.  Yes, there is a down low brother.  Yes the implied consequence of this is HIV.  However, living in the 21st Century, ADULTS should be able to handle a Rated-R movie which handles issues such as this.  Maybe this is why homosexual men don't come out, because of the fear of the tirade that a black woman may inflict on him when he comes out.  Any way, I digress.  At the tender age of 27, I can only recount the many times I fell in and out of love.  Or the one time, I thought I was pregnant, and had to come up with a plan.  The point is, all women, not just black women, but all women can relate to some theme in this movie.  Every woman knows a friend who was raped by a family member or friend.  Everyone woman has a friend or was that woman in an abusive relationship.  And every woman has made mistakes that lead to some type of defining consequence her life.  These are the scars that women carry around with them.  That many men don't know of. 

This was a good movie.  A stellar cast with Whoopie and Thandie opposing each other as mother and daughter kept me on the edge of my seat.  Lorretta Devine played the comical character that all of us wish we had the strength to be when realizing the end of a horrible relationship.  Kerry Washington and Kimberly Elise Neal played strong characters.  Anika Rose was awesome as the exuberant dancer betrayed.  And Janet Jackson tried.

Is there a reason why Janet must play the typical angry black women.  I mean honestly, did anyone believe that she really tore up her own house in Why Did I Get Married II?  I didn't.  I have homegirls back on the block that could have done it more convincingly.  Why is she the poster child for angry black women??!!!  Okay, that is all I have...

Love ya

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Admission this is a little late coming, but guess what.  I received admission to Villanova BSN Express Nursing!!!  So what does that mean.  Well, it means so many things.  The biggest thing is that I am offically an Nursing student!!  I have two classes that I MUST get A's in order to be admitted.  Well really, B's, but I am aiming for the stars because at this point I feel like I can do anything.  So I will officially be done with all prerequisites for Nursing School January 19 2011.  The big question that looms over my head, and what instills fear in me is, what is the future of my military career?  Ultimately, it's over.  Yep, just like that, it's over.  I would love to say I loved it, it was the time of my life, and I will miss it.  But the Lord, and multiple friends no my heart...GOOD RIDDANCE!!!  I know, the Army has provided a lot of benefits to a lot of people, including myself.  The Army sent me to school to get an education.  The Army deployed me to Afghanistan and has allowed me to complete four classes in a year time frame.  The Army has taught me lessons that I will always remember.  Mostly that there are certain people in life I don't want to deal with and jobs I don't want to do, because they ultimately have no purpose in life.  So to the Army, I say thank you.  You taught me life lessons, that have ultimately made me mature as a person.  You taught me alot.  Mostly about men, myself, my big mouth, and what I really want to do.

In order to guide my path, I have developed a plan.  A lot of people think I don't have a plan.  They really think I am just out in the wind flapping, hoping that I get picked up.  But in all honest truth.  Since February I have been plotting and planning for this.  The only thing that has caused me to lose focus is myself and my self fear.  I know when people ask me, what am I going to do when I get out the Army, my response is to get out and help poor babies.  And ultimately, that is it.  But there is so much behind that plan, you don't even know.  What most people don't know about me, is that I am very impatient, and I really want things now.  Meaning, I don't want to finish my prerequisites in January, I want to do it now.  That's just an example.  When I tell you that I will accept admittance to any school.  Well that is kind of true.  I will accept admittance to any school that has a stellar reputation and affordable.  So trust me when I say, when I play dumb, it's to keep you at  bay.  It's not to appease you of what my true goals are so that you can keep another body trapped in this institution of the Army.  I am a planner when it comes to me and my life.  I will stay up all night to figure out how I am going to get out of something.  This particular something is the Army.  So hear is my plan.

I have developed a five year plan that is relatively simple, but will definitely require some work.
MAY 2011 - Enter into Villanova's BSN Express Program
AUG 2012 Graduate from Villanova's BSN Express and take the NCLEX
September 2012-2014 - Beginning nursing career working in either a Pediatric or Trauma wing
JAN 2015 - Apply for Doctors Without Borders and begin working internationally.

So what does this plan say.  That I have basically and generically planned what I really want to do and the goal I want.  But what it does not detail is my night thoughts of how I will go about it.  The items and people I will ultimately have to give up in order to put this plan in motion.  What no one has failed to realize except for me that I want this so bad that I am willing to give up sex for this.  SERIOUSLY!!!  Why, because men and sex are distractions.  And I can't afford for andy distractions.  Because at the end of the day, I cannot end up where I am now, deployed unwillingly to a war zone in a job I don't care about.  So yes, the attack of the boo dreams have been in full effect.  I expect they will only get worse.

Danielle...STOP LAUGHING!!!

Yes, there are implied tasks in my five year plan, but for the most part that is the general idea, to work internationally.  If one thing, this deployment has taught me.  There are people way more less fortunate than I.  There are children starving. There are mothers with children who lay in the middle of the road hoping that a coalition vehicle will drop food or money there way.  Basic diseases that have been virtually eradicated in the US, continue to devour a sizable portion of underveloped populations.  Things, that I don't know nor did I ever experience because I grew up in the comforts of the United States.  Where vaccinations were mandatory, being poor still meant I had some resemblance of shelter over my head, and I didn't have to hustle for the next meal, I will never know what it means to be truly poor.  I know the critics will say, there are still portions of US society that experience this.  Therefore, my main priority should be to stay in the states.  I have no argument with those people except this.  America, no matter how racist the institutions may be, still offer freedom and choice, something that the majority of the population in Afghanistan and countries like it lack.

So in the end, I would like to say thank you to all my haters, you know who you are. 


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Something Kinda Like That

Since I started this journey...people have been asking me why.  Why are you going by yourself?  There is no real reason. I am not trying to find any type of enlightenment. Simply, I just want to see the world. I want to see how the other half lives. Meaning, I have been to the US of A, and it's great but I am tired of Outback and it's fake Australian dishes.  Does travling get lonely.  YES!!!  No one to share my excitement with. No one to take my picture as I stand in front of famous monuments I probably won't know the name of next week. But just the experience of looking like an idiot when I point to food that simply looks good is so much fun. The interesting people you meet along the way.  The fact that I get off the train with map in hand, and still get lost because I have no clue where I am.  Of course there are no street signs here.  They are on the sides of buildings.

Of course you get scared. Traveling alone walking through Barcelona's famous alleyways at night is enough to give me and my family a heart attack. However I was insistent on going to this jazz bar.  Meeting and talking to strangers who probably want nothing more from me other than a green card is interesting.  Especially when they ask, does your job pay good.  Either way, fear aside traveling, alone is an adventure in itself. I can't tell you how to do it mostly because I don't know how. I didn't set aside a budget of how much to spend a day.  I basically just set aside a paycheck.  I don't have a list of monuments to go see.  I pretty much just looked at a map and went.  Or as I did in Paris, got off a train and walked. 

Of course you want to tell your friends of the stories of how you visited some great temple but truth be told you probably won't remember it. What you will remember is he old lady digging up her butt before you got on the train. Or the many bikes in Amsterdam, Poland, and Brugge which almost ran you over. What I remember most is the horrible tapas food I had at this restaurant but the nice Pakistani man who took me for a drink in some alley who tried to get me to come back to his apartment. No Muhammad, I will not allow you to kiss me, is what I had to keep telling him on his 20 minute break. He told me infinite times that I was beautiful on the inside and the out.  That my lips were gorgeous and so on.  All this from being my waiter at the sucky restaurant he works at. Needless to say Muhammad as much as I needed to hear your wonderful words I will not be joining you at 0100 tonight for a night cap. 

So my tips to traveling alone:
1. Bring a book when you travel, there is nothing like sitting at a restaurant with nothing to do.  Especially if you are like me and can't quite gather the concept of people watching. 

2. Bring a map:  Even if you are clueless reading a map, it will help you to understand if you are a block over or a mile over from your destination.

3.  Don't carry a book bag with you everywhere.  Also, don't carry your passport, and major credit cards with you.  Just ensure you have enough cash to get you through the day.

4. Prepare to be out all day.  Meaning, if you leave at 9 in the morning, you will probably be out all day.

5. Invest in a city tour whether it be walking or city bus.  It will give you a history of the city and will allow you to choose what places you want to see.  This was key in Berlin.  Berlin is full of history, Check Point Charlie, a grass patch over Hitler's Bunker, and the Berlin Wall, I would have never known all this stuff without the walking tour. 

6.  There is no such things as boundaries in Europe, or manners for that matter.  They don't believe in personnel space, for the most part they don't use deodorant, and they are rude.  So much to the fact that they will push you out the way.  So pick your battles.

Random Musings after Watching Eat Love Pray?
Elizabeth Gilber is one of the best writers I have read.  She is inspiring, if for nothing else, just being her.  The movie, though it was great, did not do the book justice. 

For the most part I have found myself, and started forgiving myself for my wrong doings in life.  I am working on settling my thoughts, as well as getting closer to God.  Somedays it seems as if I am on a verge of a breakthrough in life, pertaining to God and myself.  Other days I seem farther and farther away from what my purpose is.  Either way, I am trying.  The hard part is letting go of the past while trying not to make past mistakes.  However, I have come to realize that I am beautiful, even with short hair.  And there is no need to limit myself to just black men.  Mostly because all skin color is just a color.  I find myself daily admiring men of all different ethnicities.  I have been toying around with the idea of vegetarianism.  Why do you ask.  Well, I love meat.  I love ham, and bacon, and hamburger.  However, I am against killing some animals but not all.  Isn't that a little hypocritcal.  I think so.  Therefore, I am justing going to give it up completely.  Not for health reasons, but for moral reason.  However, it will have to start tomorrow.  Because what is Europe without meat.  I am scared that I won't like vegetables, and peas and such, however, no better place to start than my deployment since the food is free.

Intersting questions of the my travels.  Why are you single?  What I usually tell American men, is my husband has not found me.  What I tell the European men, I'm not ready.  Both are true statements, however, my inability to conform to any man's standards of girlfriend has kept me single, with a few flings in between for the longest.  I am the rebel that no one wants.  I'm not truly a good girlfriend, nor do I think I will be a good wife.  I still believe in love, but on my own terms.  I want to be happy.  I want someone who wants to be with me and only me, who wants to fall madly and passionately in love, and who want to be in that partiular place with me.  Someone who wants to be happy with only me and who also looks like Adam Rodriguez from CSI Miami.  To all my older friends, they probably think I am crazy.  But I really want this man.  So bad, that I refuse to settle for anything less.  I have friends who have told me, my standards are too high.  Let me say it again for emphasis, I really want the Adam Rodriguez look a like with all the characteristics of Felipe from Eat Pray Love.  However, I have yet to meet this person.  The men I do meet are the men who want to add me to their list of hookups, who for the most part are lame and boring.  There are the few who want to be with me, but the young me who they think they can mold into their perfect wife.  Ugh, I hate those guys, which is why I rebell.  As miserable as my life is with them, I make there's equally as miserable because I have no desire to be with them, not intentionally.  This has caused me to just rethink my tactics of holding on to a man hoping he will change, by just ending it because he won't change and neither will I.  I have yet to find the funny romantic man who will travel the world with me, or sit at home with me and my dog, since Casey was stolen ,and pass  my lazy weekend days away.  However, until my Felipe or George comes, that is the name I have giving my imaginary boyfriend, I will continue to live in my fantasy world where love conquers all. 

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Day 2

So I have to try and work my way back through today because it was quite interesting.

I would first like to thank Marvin and Pam for my ticket to the Picasso Museum.  It's not that I couldn't pay for it, but since Americans are easily spotted overseas we chatted in line.  So big thanks to you all.

The Picasso museum was interesting, I think I am more fond of modern day art, meaning 20th century to the present.  It is very different, even though the greats started the way most artists, did, through still life pics and such

So I got off my city tour bus and what did I see.  A big crowd of people because this dog was barking at this guy, probably because he had drugs.  That's the only reason why I understand a police dog barking at a random person.  Well, this lady starts going off, and SPITS on the police/security guard.  I have no clue which he was because they have police, security and guards.  Before the spitting on the police security guard guy I went to lunch. 

**Let me warn the average traveler, 0.5L of Sangria in Spain is more potent that a Liter of Sangria in the states.  Let's just say, I walked away drunk. 

Touring the city, it was okay, not too many scenic or hisorical things to see however, it was great to get up and not have anywhere to go. 

I think on to the beach tomorrow.

Oh, mixing olive oil with my conditioner was a great deep condition.  For the most part of the day, my hair stayed moisturized and shiny.  LOVE IT!!


Friday, October 8, 2010

Getting to Happy

I just finished Terry McMillian's new book, "Getting to Happy", and though it will not be my favorite book anytime soon it did make some key points.  This is the reason I really didn't like it was Terry took all four characters to their lowest point in life. Yes the characters are older, but the don't seem any wiser and she takes them to their lowest of the low.  Too the point that all four of them had hit rock bottom, and miraculously they all came out on top at the end, for the most part.  The hardest part of the book for me to deal with was Gloria and her loss. 

I'm not sharing anything else about the book because I don't want to ruin it.  Let's just say these are my take away points. 

1. As humans, we are all scared to fail, whether it be changing careers, finding a career, finding oneself.  No one wants to say that I tried to open a boutique and failed miserably.  Or I tried in my marriage, and ended up with the worst heart break in the world.  However, as we all know.  This just so happens to be apart of life.  My best friend Danielle, she is my inspiration because through failures, heartache, and let downs, she has continued to do what her goals lead her to do.  Have her own practice. 

2.  Get over it.  I know I am the last person to tell someone to let go and get over a boyfriend or the loss of a loved one.  I for one am probably holding on to several situations that were deeply traumatic.  HOWEVER, I need to get over it.  Yes I said it.  It is time for me to get over thinking about and remembering the hurtful times of past loves.  They sucked and there is a reason why they are no longer in my life.  Therefore it is time to let go.

3.  Make yourself happy.  Easier said than done right.  Not really.  I have been discouraged by many that doing things alone is highly discouraged.  Did you know that you are suppose to bring a date to a wedding.  I honestly had no clue.  Every wedding I have been too, I have gone alone.  Why, mostly because I don't want to inconvience my friends and I really don't have any men that I would actually take to a wedding.  Onto travelling alone.  Contrary to popular belief, it is one of the greatest treasures God has given me.  Being alone forces me to deal with me.  It helps me realize who I am.  For example, with friends, one will tolerate bad service, such as I experienced today at this little cafe.  However, alone, one is left to contemplate that this sucky ass waited will not be recieving any tips nor will this establishment receive anything from me.  Traveling allows a person to do whatever he or she wants without worrying about what the other person wants.  I have yet to find solitude with myself where I can sit along the Seine in Paris and watch couples kiss or just people watch.  But I have mastered the sitting in a restaurant by myself as well as venturing out alone seeing the sites. 

Well that's all right now.  Someday soon, I will explain how I have managed to get around Europe by myself, with the help of friends.


Friday, October 1, 2010


Today was exciting and humbling.  We started our first full day in Amsterdam on a canal cruise.  I probably would have gotten more out of it if I had actually been inside listening to the history.  However, I sat outside looking at the beautiful house and boat houses.  Paris is still my favorite city.  Anyways, the group and I went to the Anne Frank house.  A sobering experience.  It was like looking hate in the face, or at least the history of hate because of a person's religion was interesting and sad.  A neighbor of Anne's talked about while her and Anne were at a concentration camp, Anne had no hope because her sister had died and did not know her father was still alive.  I thought about the poem by Pastor Martin Niemöller who wrote the following poem.

In Germany they first came for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me —
and by that time no one was left to speak up.
For some reason, history like this inspires me to want to do something more.  To make another person's life a little more better.  To speak up for the little people who have a voice.  But what can I do.  I am currently trying to figure that out.  It seems that my calling is to be a nurse.  Maybe that will help me speak for those who are unable to speak for themselves.

I love Amsterdam.  The little quaint cafe's down the little streets.  The little holes in the wall, that in the states a person would not dare to even venture into.  After a fun filled afternoon at the Rijks Museum where I discovered I have no clue about art because I have never heard of the Jan Six portrait or the Night Watch.  However, I have seen the self portrati of Rembrandt portraying himself as the apostle Paul.  I figure that's my thing.  Learning about the history of different places and seeing it in art. 

Dinner was at a Thai restaurant.  Owners of restaurant establishments love to serve you dinner and have you wait.  Either way, we ended the night at a Jazz club.  Another first in my book.  AND, it was awesome.  I think it will be something I will continue.  I always wonder what story musicians are trying to tell. 

Louise and I decided to pay our way back to the hotel and got on the number two that took us out of our way.  Three stops out of our way.  So of course at midnight, in Amsterdam the number two train was not running the opposite direction.  Therefore, we were forced to walk in the rain back to a familiar area.  Which turned out to be right around the corner from our hotel.  LOVELY!!! At least we are safe at home.

Did I mention I don't miss Afghanistan, or the stuffiness of the military or the Dementor like military officers that only hope for world domination.

Off to another adventure tomorrow!!!


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

European travels

I know when people backpack across Europe the have a true backpack. I can't do it. I love my rei roller bag slash backpack. After walking 30 miles around a mountain o refuse to carry anything over a couple of pounds on my back. Of course I felt a lote self conscious with my big ass bag while everyone else has there huge backpack and it is cumbersome going up and downstairs buts it rolls. That is what is so great. The wheels. Maybe I do need to learn to pack lighter. I obvoiously don't need the computer and iPhone and laptop. Lessoned learned pack light. But I do need a bigger coat. And a bag with wheels. I love Europe and I think I will learn a new language in order to become more
marketable and be able to communicate with the populace. Either way I love Europe. I love america and how patriotic it is but I love the sense of being an individual in Europe. Amsterdam tomorrow.

For ome reason my hair is acting real funny. I guess because I look at everyones hair and assume mine is or is not like theirs. I am going to get it together and be happy with me because in the end that is truly all I got

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I have no clue if you ever got to the Europe side of the house, but it is wonderful.  Other than the racial profiling I endured in Germany due to my short frizzy hair cut (I know I need some oil in my head) everything is wonderful.  I know I am your daughter and I am so proud.  You know how I know I am Shirley Jean Jackson's daughter.  Because on less than 24 hours of sleep I wandered around Paris, France, a completely foreign country with just a train station map.  Of course I made some mistakes, such as I bought 12 days worth of tickets versus the one I should have bought.  Who knew that one ticket could last you the whole day, you know the Bi-State in St. Louis all you get is a transfer.  Anyway, I walked through the Louvre, took picture of myself and all the randome stuff I will probably not remember the name of.  What's funny is I remember when you took me to the Art Museum in St. Louis, and we visited the Egyptian portion.  Yes, mother, that is the first place I went here in Europe as well.  I remember you buying me this little Egyptian kit for kids, I made a necklace, it had some of the scribe paper and everything.  I thought about that today.  I also thought about how I was watching animal planet, and recognized, that I am becoming my mother's child.  Yes, I was fascinated by the howling dogs of New Guinea, and the venomous snakes of who knows where.  You would have been so proud, and probably a little scared.  I pretty much just hopped on and off trains at random spot to see random things.  Okay not random things, but I know you are watching out for me.  Mostly because I am here.  I walked in the rain and LOVED IT.  I almost saw Napolean Bonaparte's tomb, but I refused to walk all the way back to Museum L'Armee.  I was on Champ Elyssees and walked the wrong way.  I know my stubborness and the fact I think I know it all, kills me all the time.  Instead of walking up the street to the Arc de Triomphe I walked towards this damn military museum.  Aww well, there is always tomorrow.  And I know I have enough tickets.  I was scared before I got here, but I embraced Paris like it was St. Louis.  I walked around this place like I owned it.  I even tried some of the local food.  I hate CREPES and red wine.  AND WHO THE HECK PUTS EGG IN THE MIDDLE OF A PIZZA!!!!  IT was great it was wonderful, and I owe my free spirit all to you.  Now I know why you chose to live life solo, it is so much fun, not having to wonder if you are entertaining your mate.  Just as long as you are entertaining yourself.  I love you and miss you.  No tears, but this trip is all for you.


Thursday, September 23, 2010


I big chopped.  Today was the day.  And as much as I want to say I love it, I kind of disappointed.  Why you may ask.  Because, there are still strands of relaxed hair in my head.  Basically, my hair is uneven.  The The foreigner that cut my hair, he did what he could.  But with the langugage barrier that prevented me from communicating, I want all of the relaxed hair cut off and only the natural hair.  Or when I tried to enphasize, the part where the straight texture meets the curly, at that point.  Yea, he pretty much didn't get that.  UGH....Product review time....

I love love love Herbal Essence Curl and wave shampoo...
Tresseme aloe and avocado condtioner....LOVE
Kinky Curly Knot Today...The jury is still debating
Cantu Shea Butter, love it
The guy that cut my hair...ugh you tried, and I appreicate it, but LORD knows I can't wait until I get back to the states to cut  it right.

I think I have a case of the frizzies...what to do what to do about them....


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The List

Everyday I run across something I want in my future husband.  And I here the old heads say, it is important to write it down, and put it in the bible.  That way God will answer your quest.  Well, in all honestly, I have no clue what I want, however here is a brief list of what I have observed....Some of it is superficial but some of it is not.
Loves God, but does not criticize or judge me for my liberal attitudes
A man will fly me to come see him because he just wants to see me
Vacations to anywhere and everywhere (he should probably come up with the destination) I am so indecisive.
Likes to cuddle
A little taller than me and cute
Not fat!!! (I am not sorry....)
Wants to get out and help people
No baby momma drama
My age
Loves adventure (ATVs)
NOT A THUG!!!  But can handle his own when it comes down to it.
I will update periodically, as I run across things that spark my eye

Sitting in Kuwait it's hot as hell
How come every other desert it is a pleasure to dwell
Hopeing to delay my impending trek
Across Europe with a bunch of strangers
and loads of clothes to pull across the continent

Oh how I can't wait to blow this joint,
because I hate, I loath, I am just so disappointed at what I have become
A lowly staff slave subjected to power hungry grunts
jealous of what i am and what i am to become

You take my degree to seriously
It's just a Bachelor's from the Hudson Institute of techonology
But your jealousy has yet to affect me,
because your ambitions are different from my dreams

In your world of a totalatarian dictatorship, I just hope my afro can blow in the wind
as i help little poor babies get healthier

That's my wrap for the day.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

It's A Test

I firmly believe that every test God has put my way pertaining to men and relationships, I have failed.  Up until now.  Since my big six years ago, I have fell to the temptation of lust and the fleeting hope of a potential relationship.  This happens by falling for the wrong person.

So why is today, at the tender age of 27 different have I actually decided to let the no good dirt bags go.  It's probably because I finally just got a clue, or maybe that I am not really attracted to them.  But probably because they don't have anything to offer.  Case in point, I met this guy who seemed to be nice, seemed to want everything I wanted.  All he wanted was sex.  And he carried on asking for sex for about  months.  Why is this important.  Because I said no.  I told him, we don't want the same please leave me alone.  Has he finally gotten a clue.  No not as of yet.  However, I remain optimistic because his pressure on me is not turning me on, but more pissing me off. a very good sign. 

Why can't you just let me go
Don't you get tired of begging for the candy, when you don't even have enough cash
Why can't you understand that I need more than just a temporary solution
Please go run your game on another new arrival in country, because I am tired

Your obnoxiuos suggestions that I prefer the va-JJ rather than the stick is just annoying and childish
I have desire to be more than just the cause or effect of any conversation you hold with your boys.
All I want is to be a distinct memory of what could have been instead of what can be,
which is really just a piece of ass

Let it go,
I know it's hard
this thick thighs, this pretty smile and oh so natural beauty that many females wish they had
but try, because I have already let you go,
And next time you try to knock on this door  or any other door of opportunity,
please make sure you come correct


Wednesday, September 8, 2010


September 7 would have been my mom's 60th birthday.  She passed 6 years ago.  And in all honesty, I really didn't know her.  If you talk to my family, children aren't suppose to know anything about their parent's personel lives.  So I only have a host of assumptions about her.  I can only guess why she only married once or twice and decided to live the rest of her days with just me and eventually alone.  The thoughts of lesbianism crossed my mind.  But that is just wishful thinking into insight of my own existence.  As much as I don't know or understand about my mom and how she grew up and what type of person she was, I still miss her.  I do know that I am exactly like her.  I have gotten more attributes from my mother than from my father.  I have her nose and lips.  I have her love for "different music" which is not solely comprised of black music.  We both have an affinity to travel the world, with no plans whatsoever, and to do it by ourselves.  We both tend to do what we want, even though we consult our friends on what is best.  The odd thing is, that we are both free spirits forced to be confined to a world of black and white.  But the same way she could not be contained, I cannot be either. 

Me and my mom differ in one way, I am way more liberal than her.  While a lot of my Christian friends shun homosexuals and members of faith I embrace them.  While society believes that people labelled with diseases such as bipolarism, schizophrenia, and multiple personality, I belive that this is just another realm of normalty that people cannot understand. 

I got my mother's nappy hair, and her fiery attitude.  Our inability to put up with dumb shit mirrors one another.  The endless dreams we both share is uncomparable.  The void we have in search of helping the disadvantaged is amazing.

I love my mom, and miss her on most days.  I wish she was here, but instead I will just write her in my dreams and journals to make sure she understands she is missed.

Love ya!!!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

BC Crazy

I want this hair and that body!!!!  SEXY
I am currently 20 days out from leave, and all I can think about is cutting my hair off.  I am at the point, I would rather just cut it off the night before I get on the MRAP on leave, than wander around Paris looking for a barber/beautician to cut my hair off.  I know for some, the BC is a dramatic choice.  Well, with this being my second time...I look forward to it.  For some reason I believe I will feel more free.  Happier even.  A lot of my male friends have told me, they don't like the afro.  I read one blog which stated that she didn't get as many "hollas" from men when she was natural.  I even got the, "are you trying to start another revolution.  The first time I was natural, I was honestly very self conscious and had low self esteem.  I allowed other's opinions to bring me down.  So how is this time different from three years ago?  The difference between me now and then is a deployment.  A year of self reflection on me.  A year that allows me to be around just me, to be as antisocial as I want and to sit and have to deal with me.  So yes, I am big chopping soon, whether it be in Paris, or Kuwait or Prague...the weight of this hair is leaving.


Monday, August 30, 2010


A string of memories have haunted me over the past several days.  They are actually past boyfriend memories.  You know the ones that had such a traumatic effect on you, that you wish their name and face would best be forgotten.  They are the ones that you wish your subconscious would forget but it won't let you because there is probably some aspect of that relationship you should face.  Well I have three men in my life...who I know longer talk too...who I would love to forget but unfortunately at night I stir because of memories.  No names have been changed.

1. Matt was the love of my college, and he wasn't the typical man I would date.  He was corny and skinny and pretty much the nice guy.  And he probably still is a nice guy, however his actions have forever changed how I interact with men.  There are moments when God tests our relationships to see if they endure.  Well, our test was my mother's death.  Unfortunately, our relationship did not endure, I shut him out and he found comfort in another woman.  Did it hurt that he had ultimately lied to me, paraded me in front of his new woman, and ultimately betrayed my trust by telling her deep secrets about me.  Yep, it sure did and it took me years to get over his sorry ass.  However, I have finally realized that I am better off without him, because we didn't want the same things.  He hated natural hair, and I love it.  He wanted children early, (which he got...take a guess) and I am still on the fence.  He is the ultimate conservativee christian.  I love God and hope he forgives my points of views when I get to heaven.

2.  After 3 years after Matt, I started dating older men.  Men old enough to be my uncle...father is pushing it unless you he fathered a child as a teenager.  First there was Jesse.  Yep, I want to say I loved him, but I really just lusted.  He took me through an emotional roller coaster, calling on me when I was about to walk away.  Did he have multiple women...yes.  Did I know it, yes.  Then why did I put up with it.  Plain and simple, because I was stupid.  My friend told me, "Young, dumb and filled with cum."  Unfortunately, since I spent my younger years in a relationship as well as getting over a relationship, I was really just dumb.  However, I learned, but not with the next relationship I found myself in.

3. This bring us to Mike.  Oh Mike, how I really didn't like you at all.  I tried though...I really did.  But I didn't really truly like you.    Was I seeing other men though.  YES!!!  And I was wrong.  I should have just let him go.  But at that point in time, what was good for the gander was good for the good.  To my suprise I caught that MFer cheating. I found out by stooping to a new low, I went through his phone.  At that point I realized, WTF am I doing in this situation.  I cried about being so stupid, I let him trick me into believing that it was my fault and ended back in his arms.  Ugh...dumb ass Rose.  So what was the downfall of this relationship.  By the way God, if I  haven't thanked you for this...THANK YOU.  I had surgery, and two of God's angels,  Heather and Rohan, were there to take care of me, not Mike who not only made no attempt to see me in the hospital and let me drive home on drugs, but coworkers. 

So where does this leave me?  Hopefully with a peaceful sleep.  But it actually leaves me with some damn standards.  Isn't that what Steve Harvey said, get some standards, yep got me a set of those now, oh and I also got a plan.  However, that is left for another day. 

Sweet Dreams to me

Friday, August 27, 2010

New to all of this

I have attempted to do this, (blog) on several social networking sites, however, to know avail.  I have no clue what I am going to blog about.  Therefore I will dedicate my first post to me cutting my hair off.  This will not be my first big chop, on the contrary it will be my second, it it is scheduled for 27 Sept 2010.  Why have I chosen this date?  It's the date of when I start my temporary parole from the lovely country of Afghanistan and go on leave to Paris!!!  Why am I going to chop off my lovely locks.  The hair that has always been my pride and joy.  Because it's damaged, because its a hassle, and I loved being natural more than I loved being addicted to the creamy crack.  Plus, I am trying to live this whole alternative lifestyle of being healthy.  There are large differences between natural hair and relaxed hair.  Having a relaxer, I am constantly in fear of water.  And LORD knows that my 4am workout sessions kill my hair.  Plus, there really isn't too much I can do with my hair in a combat zone.  We will explain my combat zone adventures at a later date!!! 

I'm not really trying to make a public statement, or start a revolution, again, I am really just trying to be happy with me.  In school, people use to envy me because I had long hair.  Little did they know, I envied them because of their curly hair.  Embarking on the natural journey three years ago, I started with a teeny weeny afro, and emerged with a huge afro.  So what was the issue?  It hurt to comb it, it wasn't considered beautiful, and in the Army I was left with only a couple of options, twists or straighten.  So December of 09 I got back on the creamy crack.  What a horrible decison!!!  Trust me, I swung my hair from left to right while I was on leave with it's straighness, but I still wasn't happy.  What has changed from when I was natural all those years ago until now.  A deployment, a host of people that I have put in the past, and a whole new outlook on life, and a need to want to get my hair wet without worry about frizz. 

I'll talk about my whole new outlook on life now and leave everything else for a later blog.  Hair is only the beginning of life changes I have embarked upon.  I will just outright say it, I have had low self esteem for a long time.  If it wasn't my hair that I didn't like, it was my skin color or my nose or my thighs or what have you.  Ever since my mother died my junior year of college, I have felt alone.  However, crying about life, my situation or anything has benver been an option in my life.  On the contrary, the best medicine to feel substandard, bottle that shit up and keep it moving.  Which is what I have done my whole life.  Carson McCullers use to write about feeling alone in a crowded room.  That's exactly how I have felt.  I  have the best friends in the world.  But in my world, I constantly compare myself to them.  How come I can't have what they have?  How come I can't be skinny like Perchelle? or How come I can't attract all the men like Danielle?  The list goes on and on, which leads to my lonliness and tackling my own issues. 

So basically, this blog is to explore loving me