Thursday, November 18, 2010

No clue

I have no clue what this blog is going to be about.  I basically just need to vent.  Today has been one of those days, when I have contemplated on me.  Of course my thoughts went to blaming other folks.  But I quickly snapped myself back to the problem is me.  I am to nice, I am to bitchy, I don't stand up for my self, I have no standards, basically I need to get it together.  What led to all of this you may ask.  A man, asked me today if I have ever had a boyfriend.  Of course I was slightly offended.  I am 27 years old.  If I have not had a boyfriend by now, something is terribly terribly wrong.  However, I have been put through the wringer.  However, it's not really anybody fault but mine that I have dated the losers, had a series of false starts that ultimately failed because I was not ready.  I can pretty much say, that I have let my break up of Matt affect every potential relationship that has thus failed.  Well, he can't have all the credit, my dad shares about 80 percent of the blame, my mom's death about 10 percent and then the other 10 percent my dad.  I probably need counseling.  BUT NO!!!  The only thing that is Matthew Pride's fault is that he is a liar and a cheater.  He cheated and lied on me.  But that's it.  That sin is no greater than me lying to a friend about her weight or how cute her outfit was.  Did I pitch a fit.  SURE DID!!!  It's over.  Well, that relationship is over, but the after affects of that relationship has rendered me incapable of continuing into any other healthy relationship.  Why, because of my fears of being left alone.  I have been on my own for so long, (not as long as others of course, this is not a whoo is me pity party) but long enough to know that I am comfortable being alone.  The fear of death, the fear of abandonment the fear of being lied to and cheated on again, is to hard to bear. 

So what is the point of it.  I saw a man who before he left for leave was interested in me, and then when he came back acted like I didn't exist.  Of course I was hurt.  Because I couldn't for the life of me wonder what I had done to cause him to ignore me the way he had.  Did he get back with his ex wife?  Is he over worked?  WTF.  I still have no clue, and when I saw him today, I was at the point of telling him he sucked because he acted like I didn't exist any more.  But then I started to wonder did I do anything to cause this.  YES I DID!!!  I wasn't as interested as I should.  I was very cautious when I probably should have been more open.  I didn't even give the poor man a chance.  I used work as my excuse not to see him, when in all actuality, I was a little scared to be around him.  Or nervous.  I thought he was too good to be true.  Or maybe I wasn't really that interested.  Bottom line, I didn't give him a chance and I should have.

Then I think about my father, and all the let downs he has provided me in my life.  How many promises he has broken over the years, starting with him saying he was going to pick me up and take me driving, and I sat all day waiting for him.  I was 15.  And I remember like it was yesterday, waiting for him in the front room wondering if he was going to come.  I cried.  That's when I discovered I hated crying.  I didn't want my mom or anyone to know that he had hurt me because he had let me down.  He's the reason, men really only get one shot.  One broken promise, and to the curb that man goes.

The big question is, how does a person open up and just let shit be!!! 

Still working on that one!!!

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