I am currently 20 days out from leave, and all I can think about is cutting my hair off. I am at the point, I would rather just cut it off the night before I get on the MRAP on leave, than wander around Paris looking for a barber/beautician to cut my hair off. I know for some, the BC is a dramatic choice. Well, with this being my second time...I look forward to it. For some reason I believe I will feel more free. Happier even. A lot of my male friends have told me, they don't like the afro. I read one blog which stated that she didn't get as many "hollas" from men when she was natural. I even got the, "are you trying to start another revolution. The first time I was natural, I was honestly very self conscious and had low self esteem. I allowed other's opinions to bring me down. So how is this time different from three years ago? The difference between me now and then is a deployment. A year of self reflection on me. A year that allows me to be around just me, to be as antisocial as I want and to sit and have to deal with me. So yes, I am big chopping soon, whether it be in Paris, or Kuwait or Prague...the weight of this hair is leaving.
A string of memories have haunted me over the past several days. They are actually past boyfriend memories. You know the ones that had such a traumatic effect on you, that you wish their name and face would best be forgotten. They are the ones that you wish your subconscious would forget but it won't let you because there is probably some aspect of that relationship you should face. Well I have three men in my life...who I know longer talk too...who I would love to forget but unfortunately at night I stir because of memories. No names have been changed.
1. Matt was the love of my life....in college, and he wasn't the typical man I would date. He was corny and skinny and pretty much the nice guy. And he probably still is a nice guy, however his actions have forever changed how I interact with men. There are moments when God tests our relationships to see if they endure. Well, our test was my mother's death. Unfortunately, our relationship did not endure, I shut him out and he found comfort in another woman. Did it hurt that he had ultimately lied to me, paraded me in front of his new woman, and ultimately betrayed my trust by telling her deep secrets about me. Yep, it sure did and it took me years to get over his sorry ass. However, I have finally realized that I am better off without him, because we didn't want the same things. He hated natural hair, and I love it. He wanted children early, (which he got...take a guess) and I am still on the fence. He is the ultimate conservativee christian. I love God and hope he forgives my points of views when I get to heaven.
2. After Matt...like 3 years after Matt, I started dating older men. Men old enough to be my uncle...father is pushing it unless you he fathered a child as a teenager. First there was Jesse. Yep, I want to say I loved him, but I really just lusted. He took me through an emotional roller coaster, calling on me when I was about to walk away. Did he have multiple women...yes. Did I know it, yes. Then why did I put up with it. Plain and simple, because I was stupid. My friend told me, "Young, dumb and filled with cum." Unfortunately, since I spent my younger years in a relationship as well as getting over a relationship, I was really just dumb. However, I learned, but not with the next relationship I found myself in.
3. This bring us to Mike. Oh Mike, how I really didn't like you at all. I tried though...I really did. But I didn't really truly like you. Was I seeing other men though. YES!!! And I was wrong. I should have just let him go. But at that point in time, what was good for the gander was good for the good. To my suprise I caught that MFer cheating. I found out by stooping to a new low, I went through his phone. At that point I realized, WTF am I doing in this situation. I cried about being so stupid, I let him trick me into believing that it was my fault and ended back in his arms. Ugh...dumb ass Rose. So what was the downfall of this relationship. By the way God, if I haven't thanked you for this...THANK YOU. I had surgery, and two of God's angels, Heather and Rohan, were there to take care of me, not Mike who not only made no attempt to see me in the hospital and let me drive home on drugs, but coworkers.
So where does this leave me? Hopefully with a peaceful sleep. But it actually leaves me with some damn standards. Isn't that what Steve Harvey said, get some standards, yep got me a set of those now, oh and I also got a plan. However, that is left for another day.
I have attempted to do this, (blog) on several social networking sites, however, to know avail. I have no clue what I am going to blog about. Therefore I will dedicate my first post to me cutting my hair off. This will not be my first big chop, on the contrary it will be my second, it it is scheduled for 27 Sept 2010. Why have I chosen this date? It's the date of when I start my temporary parole from the lovely country of Afghanistan and go on leave to Paris!!! Why am I going to chop off my lovely locks. The hair that has always been my pride and joy. Because it's damaged, because its a hassle, and I loved being natural more than I loved being addicted to the creamy crack. Plus, I am trying to live this whole alternative lifestyle of being healthy. There are large differences between natural hair and relaxed hair. Having a relaxer, I am constantly in fear of water. And LORD knows that my 4am workout sessions kill my hair. Plus, there really isn't too much I can do with my hair in a combat zone. We will explain my combat zone adventures at a later date!!!
I'm not really trying to make a public statement, or start a revolution, again, I am really just trying to be happy with me. In school, people use to envy me because I had long hair. Little did they know, I envied them because of their curly hair. Embarking on the natural journey three years ago, I started with a teeny weeny afro, and emerged with a huge afro. So what was the issue? It hurt to comb it, it wasn't considered beautiful, and in the Army I was left with only a couple of options, twists or straighten. So December of 09 I got back on the creamy crack. What a horrible decison!!! Trust me, I swung my hair from left to right while I was on leave with it's straighness, but I still wasn't happy. What has changed from when I was natural all those years ago until now. A deployment, a host of people that I have put in the past, and a whole new outlook on life, and a need to want to get my hair wet without worry about frizz.
I'll talk about my whole new outlook on life now and leave everything else for a later blog. Hair is only the beginning of life changes I have embarked upon. I will just outright say it, I have had low self esteem for a long time. If it wasn't my hair that I didn't like, it was my skin color or my nose or my thighs or what have you. Ever since my mother died my junior year of college, I have felt alone. However, crying about life, my situation or anything has benver been an option in my life. On the contrary, the best medicine to feel substandard, bottle that shit up and keep it moving. Which is what I have done my whole life. Carson McCullers use to write about feeling alone in a crowded room. That's exactly how I have felt. I have the best friends in the world. But in my world, I constantly compare myself to them. How come I can't have what they have? How come I can't be skinny like Perchelle? or How come I can't attract all the men like Danielle? The list goes on and on, which leads to my lonliness and tackling my own issues.