Sunday, March 27, 2011


I am generally a happy person.  Which is why these posts are so sporadic.  I only write when I am lonely, sad, feeling unappreciated, or I have done something amazing.  There are two people that I must put out of my life.  Both whom I account as good friends, and one whom I would have kept as a friend if I had not slept with.

The first one, we will call him Ricky.  We met 6 years ago, after my breakup with Matthew and my parole from West Point.  I was young, stupid, and fell for him.  But more than that he was a great person.  A person whom I could have actual conversations with.  The fatal flaw of our relationship, we had sex.  And like all the great movies and writers say, there is always feelings attached to sex.  Well, my feelings got involved, and played off them.  Well, I allowed him.  So let's just say, he is the first guy I allowed to play me.  While we dated, or were friends, he continued to have female friends.  He wasn't READY for a relationship.  At that point, I wasn't either.  I finally had freedom and wasn't giving it up.  So that brings us to today.  Where when I pop up at home, he always pops up at the right moment and says the right things to get my head all crazy.  Yes, he is one of those guys, who plays the mind games, doesn't answer questions directly and will have sex with you accompanied with great conversation.

Second guy, we will call him Newboo.  Who is another great friend, who thinks he can make it work with me.  The funny thing, he's not really willing to try to make it work with me.  On the contrary, he will do everything to push you away, including pop up in town and stay with his ex wife to see his children even though you are right down the street.  And then when he finally gets up the nerve to say he is in town, he will only come by for ten minutes to see you.  Okay, now I really painted him out to be a bad guy.  But he has been an awesome friend to me.  He has sat and listened to me talk about my relationships that have ultimately fallen apart due to my inability to see how crazy and narcisstic some men are.  But like, I said, we have never had sex, and have only really flirted with the idea of being together.  So why am I letting him go.  This flirting possiblity of being together.  These string of broken promises that only seem to get bigger and bigger and I keep falling for the okey doke.  Oh and the lack of communication and inability to at least try to talk to me.

It's time to start anew.  And let both of these men who are unable to give me what I want and need go.  Plus I am just really tired of these guys who get my feelings all up in an uproar only to come crashing down on disappointment. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

First Day

So very few people know about my trip.  Why, because so many people would try to talk me out of it.  I have come to Israel, a land, most Westerners who only read about it in history books.  Its a totally different culture than what we have learned about in Civics and World History Classes.  Being here makes you want to buy one of those biased books on Jewish History that makes them seem like the best thing since sliced bread.  I mean, every ethinicity, religion and culture does that.  It is part of the marketing scheme.  Well I did just that, and I can't get enough of it, or the people here.  Such an amazing trip so far.

Okay so my first full day in Jerusalem was suppose to start with tour of Bethlehem and then old city tour.  It was derailed by just poor timing and inability to communicate effectively where we wanted to go.  Myself and a girl named Caroline were suppose to leave at around 9 to venture towards Bethlehem on the number 21 bus.  Well we really left at 11.  We met a orthodox non orthodox Jewish woman at Breakfast here in the hostal.  She was cool but a little crazy.  This crazy Jewish Lady and Caroline having to move to another room delayed us for about 2 hours.  That and the need to ask over and over where we are going and the to debate Philosophy, (not me).  This crazy Jewish lady thought she knew everything including how to get around Jerusalem even though she has only been here for six months.  We took the wrong bus to the old city, through her direction, and then searched for the number 21 bus line, where she proceeded to ask to go to Rachel's Tomb (Kevar Rachel).  Why was this wrong,  BECAUSE NO BUS GOES TO RACHEL'S TOMB!!!!  Bus drivers were telling us to take the 71, the 72 the 163.  Needless to say we were waiting two hours for a bus that runs every 15 minutes.  And yes, Bus 21 does go near BETHLEHEM, a place name Beit Jilla.  If we had just said that, then of course we would have been where we needed, in 40 minutes or less.   So annoyed at this point.  So why don't Israeli buses go directly to Bethlehem, Jesus birthplace.  BECAUSE IT IS IN PALESTINIAN territory also known as the West Bank!!!! 

So we arrive at the Bethlehem checkpoint, and of course the haggling begins.  A guy is trying to get us to go to his souvenir store and he will take us to the Nativity Church.  Where Jesus was born.  Of course I was skeptical but Caroline was like okay, I have a good feeling about this.  I didn't.  I hate feeling obligated to buy something because you take me somewhere, I'll just pay for a cab.  However, I was not by myself.  I was with two other people.  So I went along with it.  Went through the check point and of course ended up in this guys souvenir shop.  I just want to go to the Church.  So I looked but didn't buy, and we pressed him to take us to the church, which by the way is guarded by Palestinian guards!!!

The church is small and unimpressive.  Stone walls with very little art work.  It is a functioning church, not like St. Peter's Church at Vatican City, which is functioning, but has the great works of artists works, you only dream about seeing.  This is how you know the church is not as big with everyone as it may seem, At Vatican City or any other church of signifgance, you pay a fee to get in, even at Notre Dame in Paris.  At this church, you walk into a small opening guraded by men with guns.  However, when you go down some stairs the atmosphere changes.  Now I believe in God, and Jesus Christ, but I am the last person who will get the holy ghost and run around a church.  But I almost did cry.  There are two places in the cave, a place that shows where he was actually born, and then the place where the manger was kept.  The Jewish woman I was with prayed at the spot that He was born.  A monk also kissed this spot!  It was one of those moments you had to be there for.  Back into the real world, where there is a fight over territory and a Palestinian protest.  Of course our driver is like, we go back down to the store, you finish your business with Joseph and then I take you to Rachels Tomb.  Let's not talk about the Jewish woman and her need to get to an appointment that everyone knew she was going to be late for.  She was just crazy.  But we had to go see Rachel's Tomb, where Jacob buried her on his way to Jerusalem after giving birth to her last son.  We went to this souvenir store where I bought nothing.  I hate being foreced to buy somet hing that probably isn't real.  Caroline did though.  A bracelet, which was very nice.  After haggling from 800 ILS to 100 ILS, I know that's a big drop, we asked the driver to take us to Rachel's tomb and then on to Jerusalem.  I had to refresh myself with the story of Rachel because I don't quite honestly remember it.  Basically, it's a love triangle between Jacob, Rachel and Leah.  Read the bible, if you interested.

Jewish women go to pray to her. I don't know why, but they call her Mother Rachel.  The crazy Jewish lady told me because Rachel gave the signs over to Leah.  In my mind, what signs, Laban tricked  Jacob into marrying Rachel and then a week later he married Leah.  But, I am Christian and she was Jewish, and I am not one to question a person's beliefs.

On to Jerusalem.  So on this trip we met a really nice Swedish lady who was a parole officer.  Totally different from the US version.  Very lovely.  Anyway, the Jewish lady needed to get to her appointment in 15 minutes, yes 15 minutes, and while our driver was flirting with Caroline, I was talking to the Swedish lady, the Jewish lady was yelling for the driver to concentrate because through her own accord, she made herself late.  And then, she only gave him 8 ILS after he drove us around all day.  Even though it was a scheme, she schemed Caroline and myself as well.  Well back to the hostal...Caroline ditched me, and so I traveled by myself for dinner.  You see how I mentioned that I had breakfast and then dinner, because that's all I had.  I had a cheese burger and it was oh so good.  I'm sorry God, please forgive me.

I fell asleep reading a book, and now it's 530 am and I am typing this blog because my body has not quite adjusted. 

Today's plan, OLD CITY and the Garden Tomb.

Monday, March 7, 2011

My Fault

I am so late.  But I have been up and about traveling.  Let's start with the Half Marathon....OMG  this is my new favorite activity.  Why, why would running 13.1 miles be so much fun.  I have no clue, but training and actually running it is totally different.  I dreaded the training.  I have no clue if it was the loop around outer loop at Fort Irwin that only measure eight miles INCLUDING the two mile course, but that run down Disny BLVD was amazing.  It was exhilirating, fun, and I had enough steam for 8 miles.  Then I started counting down knowing I had five miles left  So what does that mean.  I was in pain.  My achilles heel was not trying to extend fully, my feet just physically hurt and my legs were telling me BUY NEW RUNNING SHOES!!!!  But the race itself was so amazing.  All these women from all over in tutus, full length costume garb or what have you celebrating fitness.  I know how many minorities were there.  I did not say black people, I said Minorities....not that many, but we represented. I am blessed that I was able to share this first timer experience with my bestie Danielle.  Of course she had the boo boo tears talking about I never thought I would ever to do this.  Really!!!!  I didn't cry.  But for a moment I did imagine my mom on the sidelines cheering me on.  I'm not a cryer.  I try not to be an emotional person at all.

ON TO ST. LOUIS....LOVE IT  I hit all the hot spots, which include Imos, the Chinaman and saw some of the bestest friends ever.  I also realized a lot of crap while at home.  Though 5 days seems like enough, it is not, especially after you haven't seen your family in over a year because you were deployed to Afghanistan.  The best times EVER were seeing my mother's sisters Rose Anne and Patricia Thompson.  Why....because since she died, they have been my rock, them and Eddie.  We went to this japanese buffet which really doesn't seem like a big thing, but it was the greatest ever.  What do I cherish, corny dinners with my aunts.  Soul food cooked by my best friend's mother.  Oh I didn't tell you, Danielle's momma, the one I ran 13.1 miles with, cooked candied yams, greens and cornbread, mac and cheese, ribs, chicken and pork steak.  Oh how I will miss you.  Oh and I love you all and thank you Eddie for retiring. So what were my eye opening experiences....animals are mistreated and processed oh so grossly in order to feed the population.  REALLY!!!!  Fast food restaurants you just going to add ammonia to my food and think I don't know.  Taco Bell you think its alright for sand to just be all up in my tacos.  FDA, don't you think you should have some hire standards for food that the American population is consuming.  You right, I don't even have to partake in it.  So guess what.  That fast I was on has officially been extended.  The only time pork, beef or chicken will touch this big luscious lips   is when someone in my immediate family or Danielle's momma cook it. 

On to Seattle, I love that city.  My REI pack and Merrill running shoes that I absolutely have no desire to run fit right in.  OH and them crab legs and cod was off the chain.  This seafood habit will definitely feed my non beef, pork, or chicken habit.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Carnivore to the Heart

Have you ever tried going without meat, soda, and those oh so yummy treats.  Trust me it is harder than you think it is.  I am a true carnivore at heart, and most beans, peas and other not cute vegetables I don't eat.  I rarely indulge in anything green unless its a salad, so please take my word when I say that giving up meat for a 21 days was in itself a challenge.  But the rewards were so great.

Initially I had all the symptoms of withdrawl.  I was cranky as all hell.  However, my crankiness may have also been associated with the fact that I have been ready to depart Afghanistan for about 60 days now.  Anyway, I had the foul breath, and the oh so not fun headaches that go along with giving up my beloved meat.  I also dealt with tiredness from shocking my body with the absence of the diet it was once use too.  But once those four days passed, I was able to run the best 6, 7, and 8 miles of my life.  I have had more energy than I ever did with meat in my diet.  I can stay up and talk to my boo in Korea instead of the all to familiar nap time at lunch.  I actually sleep soundly at night.  Which is weird, because I haven't been able to sleep in like years.  Now, don't get me wrong, I still love meat, but not as much.  Everytime I walk into the DFAC and smell chicken, my mouth starts watering.  But I quickly bypass the chicken for salad with tuna.  Did I mention seafood stirfry is the best.  I still do eat a lot of starches, like potatoes and macaroni and cheese, but I eat more salads than any other normal person.  When there is some type of gravy ladened beef, I quickly sidestep that for a green salad.  No I don't eat peas, and my egg allergies won't allow me to even attempt eating an omlette or quiche, but there are definitely health food benefits to a no meat, veggie and seafood diet.  Plus, you get to experiment with different things.  The food is free here in Afghanistan so of course experimentation is not frowned upon like if I was actually buying it.  But I love broccoli and asparagus.  I KNOW!!!!  When Mongolian Night comes around, I have no problem filling my plate with cabbage, onions, carrots, bell peppers and crab.  It is so yummy, especially with crushed red paper. 

I can't wait until I get to go home.  I am so ready to go.  I miss all you folks in America.  Afghanistan is not the same.  Especially since I have spent the majority of this deployment in solitude.

Love ya...DEUCES!!!! 

Saturday, January 15, 2011


What does 93 minutes of running on a treamill in Afghanistan get you?  It gives you a sense of pride to have been able to find that amount of time let alone actually run.  93 minutes and I was able to watch one whole Biggest Loser Episode, develop a blister on the bottom of my right foot and rack up a total of 8 miles.  8 miles.  I know there are millions of people who can atest to actually completing this feat.  However, I am only able to say, I have actually run 8 miles twice, and today was the second day.  Now, my boo, says look, I don't know why anyone would want to even try to run eight miles, but hey do you.  I am officially five miles away from being able to run 13.1 miles.  I am so excited and in the same thought so exhausted. 

But what is the whole point of all of this.  Welps I wanted to talk about our culture and how everything centers around food.  Dates, family gathers, girlfriend get togethers, always center around the good ol food.  And not the healthy food.  Nope the non healthy taste so good food.   You know what I am talking about, the hot wings, those oh so yummy chicken crossaint things SFC Phillips use to make, macaroni and cheese, candied yams, mimosa, bellini, and all the other stuff that is currently make your mouth water.  What the issue?  All this makes you, me, and our friends FAT!!!  Trust me, I know, I was being fed bacon when I was a baby, and though I have never been obese, I have been fat.  Not fun.

Let's explore the reasons why we are fat.  There are of course the cultural implications.  I can only speak for myself, but my family loves food.  We love our pie, grandma's turkey and dressing, Uncle Kenneth's BBQ Ribs, Collard Greens and corn bread, macaroni and cheese, candied yams, and the list goes on and on.  There are two major food groups represented at family holidays in the Jackon Family...STARCHES and MEAT!!!  Even the green beans have bacon in them.  Oh how I miss Aunty Pat's Green beans.  But those are the holidays.  What about every other day where we choose to go through the drive thru instead of cooking one of those recipes in that stack on your counter.  What about those days, when we find out that are boyfriend cheated on us for the less pretty but more skinny guy.  Yep, those are the days I am talking about.  The ones where we look towards the Praline's and Cream Full Fat ice cream rather than the skinny cow ice cream sandwich.  What about the day that your momma died and her brother didn't even recognize that you are no longer seven year old Erica, but 22 year old Erica and now I probably won't look the freaking same?  Food is a staple to ward off all the evil spirits and get you through the hard moments. 

Then there is the black woman's anthem, I'm thick.  There is the old saying, black people are meant to be thick, we not meant to be skinny minis.  Yes I know, there are many women out there vying for hips like these.  Apparently Nikki Minaj had work done get widen hers.  Really, because I certainly could have supplied her with some of mine.  But really, I am not saying that all black women or all women need to be skinny.  Because yes, there will be plus size big thick women, and I am one of them, who are healthy.  Even though the lady at Torrid one day mouthed skinny bitch because I obviously was too small for their clothes.  But there is a difference between plus size and thick and plus size and obese.  Plus Size and Obese means your life is at risk.  You will die soon.  Whereas plus size and thick means, I am overweight, and at risk for some health diseases but I am otherwise healthy.  If you like to eat like I do, you need to learn how to enjoy excercise and daily activites.  I have come to realize this.  I can't eat all them starches at family get together and girl friend sob parties to get over men and then come home and rest on this round booty.  I have to go run some of them excess calories off, because lets face it, candied yams are to yummy to pass up, and some type of physical excercise is the only thing that will work all that butter and sugar ladened starch off.  So please, either eat healthy or engage in some type of physical activty or do both.  In the end, it will do a body good, and you won't be looking STUPID on the beach in Miami in the two piece.      

Friday, January 7, 2011

Duality of Self

I will never understand what is the criteria for movies to be considered Oscar worthy.  I saw Precious, and I was thoroughly moved.  I mean I left the theatre thanking God for my momma and her prudeness.  So when I saw Black Swan, and I am still trying to understand all the hype.  I had to read a NY Times review to understand the suspense and horror of it all, because I was scared at all.  I was really wondering when all the crazy stuff was going to happen.  Of course the crazy stuff happened inside her, and at the end, I was just left a little weirded out versus, terrified of going to sleep. 

However, what I did find interesting was the battle of self in the movie.  Every person goes through this battle.  And for the most part, religion keeps people in check.  The threat of hell basically puts a person carnal human nature in check and tell him or her to act good.  The main theme throughout the movie "Black Swan," is the Apollonian vs Dionysus's conflict.  Now in Greek mythology there really is no conflict between the two Greek mythological brothers, they just represent to different people.  Apollonian is a direct reflection of order and Dionysus is a direct reflection of chaos.  Now for the most part, most people, including myself, wish that we could all live in that world of chaos, where we virtually do what we want.  I have even told men, that I am going to do what I want so forget you.  The Dionysus character is a representation of life's every desires, from food, to money, to expensive clothes that you know that you don't need.  The Apollo character is the complete opposite.  Apollo's representation in life is that of a Puritan.  God keeps a person in check, and he does it through the many rules and regulations in the Bible.  Now don't get me wrong, I go back to the Good Book everyday, trying to find meaning out of this life, as well as trying to figure out my next step, do I call him, do I text him, do I quit the Army, do I give up all my friends and family to help poor little babies in third world countries. 

What I am getting at is, every human being has characteristics of both Apollo and Dionysus.  Everybody wants to feed into his or her carnal urges.  These carnal urges are the reason why there are STD's, women breaking windows, obesity, and people disgusting habit of feeding into the fashion's worlds of what is hot and what is not.  Is there anything wrong with indulging and doing what you want. In my opinion...NO!!!  Doing what I want has led me to experience a couple of the seven wonders of the world.  However, doing what I want has also led to a lot of heartbreak, anger, and empty bank accounts. 

So what is the answer, it seems the answer is just simply maintain a healthy balance of both worlds.  Do what you want as long as it doesn't hurt yourself, or others.  Does that mean having sex with whomever or whatever you want.  Technically yes, as long as you don't string people along and don't have any type of STD.  As the military tells you, do what your pockets can afford. 

Love ya

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Too Much Limited Time

I laid on a massage table here in Afghanistan....wondering about many things.  The one thing I focused on was the state of music.  DON'T JUDGE ME!!!  That's why this entry is titled too much limited time.  I got too much time on my hands in my last few days here in Afghanistan.  Anyways, I was told a couple of days that my musical taste is a little different from everyone elses.  I had to think about that.  Are my musical tastes really that much different from the regular black person.  I have come to the conclusion that yep, they probably are.  My musical library includes everyone, from Bon Jovi, to Aerosmith to Jay Z and Luther.  But I have my limits.  If I am going to spend $12.99 on a CD then I am only going to buy music from people that I really want to support.  What does that mean?  There are no CDs in my collection that resemeble the briefly sampled auto tune from artists such as Souljah Boy or T-Pain.  I don't pay money for cds that talk about slanging drugs, women giving blow jobs or all the fancy trappings the lifestyle of a rapper afford talentless human beings.  So what does my musical collection include.  People that sing my story and help me get over the loser from last week, or are basically just soothing music after a long day of work.  Casey and I don't want a party in our house.  We want something that I can cook dinner with and sip a glass of wine too.  For some reason anyone with the stage name Lil or Yung, is not going to accomplish that for me.  Not to say, that I don't give all artists a chance.  I mean, I have listened to Marques Houston's Matress Music...for some reason it is very hard for me to imagine little Immature boy talking about turning me around and slapping and doing whatever else he thinks will please me.  Plus, those artists with cds, i may use some of your track to get me through thouse excruciating runs.  Tight beats...that what the Keri Hilson's of the world are good for.  But Jazmine Sullivan can help me hate that dude who treated me bad, I can proclaim that yes...he gets on my damn nerves and I don't want his ass.