Thursday, December 23, 2010


I have no clue what just happened.  I just know that sometimes I lay at night in bed missing your arms.  And the only thing that takes my mind off of you is thinking about the don'ts and the can'ts and will never be.  The biggest don't is you are not ready for a relationship with anyone.  You don't believe in titles, and ultimately have ever ruled out the chance of you actually loving someone in my opinion.  That is your path in life, not mine.  You expect me to be at your beck in call, but when I want to spend time together, I pretty much need to suck it up as a day alone.  You can't allow yourself to apologize for your harsh words.  Instead of talking shit out, you argue and throw tantrums that I personally am not going to deal with.  Remember when you got mad at me because I didn't text you for a day.  But when the roles are reversed, it's okay for you to ignore me days, even a week at a time.  You accuse me of playing games, when in acutality, you're the one playing games.  Waiting for me to send you a message the moment after I see you.  But I won't.  It's just not in my nature to chase after something that is just not meant to last and withstand.  It's not in my nature to console you and make you feel at ease when you are insecure about so many other issues in your life.  The same way you refuse to deal with the consequences of some other man's actions.  I refuse to be punished because some chick hurt your feelings so long ago.  I won't be subjected to you angry words that attempt to belittle me because someone else lied to you in the past, when I have been only honest. 

I admit, I played a role in our demise.  I attempted to control and influence a whole nother person.  I tried to manipulate a situation that was not meant to be.  I tried to be like every other chick and wow you with all the skills I picked up over the journey to adulthood and relationships.  I temporarily had a waterhead moment.  And while, I tried, I failed.  I can accept that, because I have failed alot when it comes to relationships.  I am proud of those failures, because it will lead me to the moment where I only need to be successful once with the right person.

But in the same token you failed.  You failed to realize what goodness you had in front of you.  You failed to understand the depths that I would have gone to be with you, satisfy you and maybe eventually make a home for us.  Well, those are just the musings of a young woman who knows exactly what she wants and is no longer ashamed of them.

So when I see you, I will continue to smile, and momentarily reflect on the great times together.  But it only lasted momentarily, and it was needed to get me to this exact moment in my life.  To be free of any regret that I may harbor for any decisions I made. 

Read at your own risk!!!

What makes you more upset, ignorance or incompetence?  I use to think incompetence pissed me off the point of wanting to punch people in the face, but ignorance has surely won this round.  I'm pretty liberal, so as long as a person doesn't sacrafice another human being in the name of religion, I'm pretty much down with whatever beliefs a person has.  While, they may not be for me, "Do what you Do" is my motto.  So what happened you may ask.  Well, recently, the government has put an end to legalized bigotry.  Bill Clinton's policy on Homosexuals in the military "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was recently repealed.  So what does that mean for the military.  IGNORANCE!!!  This will be a difficult time for the military as it once again strives to accept people who aren't WASPS. (white anglo saxon protestants)

An Army Major asked the question, "Who in this office to this survey that says the military personnel think its okay to serve openly gay in the military?"  Of course, no one in this office was asked to take the survey.  So the Army Major proceeds to take his own survey.  I stupidly asked the question, what does serving openly mean.  Of course I got the whole, your a support officer and never been in a combat unit.  That dude don't know me or my career so hush up Army Major.  Now, let's take a step back for a moment and answer the following question, "What does serving gay mean?"  The Army Major has his own definition, "Serving gay is when a male soldier comes to work and is really feminine talking about hey girlfriend."  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, all this damn education in the world, and ignorance still prevails in professional organizations.  When a leader can articulately define what serving openly gays mean, then I will debate it.  In my opinion, serving openly gay means having the same rights and privileges that heterosexual couple have.  Serving openly means not having to hide as a female, that I have a girlfriend, or lying about my whereabouts to my squad mates this weekend.  It doesn't mean someone coming "tooted" up to formation articulating the gay sterotypes my comrades in arms loves to exploit.  The results of our office survey, 7 out of 11 personnel were against repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell.

I have a question.  How many leaders have served with openly gay soldiers?  How many leaders have served with outstanding soldiers who you trust your flipping life with, who were openly gay?  I would assume that 70 percent of leaders have been in this situation.  And never did it cross our mind to report him or her under "Don't Ask Don't Tell"  Mostly because as long as a soldier does his or her job, it doesn't matter to us who you go home to at night.  So with all that said, is there ignorance still out there.  Yes, I recently read an article in the NY times, where a soldier said, "Taking showers will be awkward."  REALLY!!!  REALLY!!!  Why would taking showers be awkward, because you assume that every gay man wants you, or because you are just that damn stupid.

As a leader, when do we stop making excuses for our soldiers ignorance.  Why is it okay for a Commander to segregate soldiers based on sexual orientation.  It has never been okay as a leader to condone prejudice and ignorance, however, in my opinion, allowing sexual orientation dictate living arrangements or what unit he or she is assigned too is condoning a person's prejudice.  If you are an adult, he or she needs to be treated as such, deal with it.  The same way a soldier deals with the platoon leader that he hates, is the same way a soldier deals with a gay roommate.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


How do I start?  I have no clue.  For the past seven years, I have been dating.  I just have not met that one person who gives me butterflies in my stomach.  I just haven't met that guy.  I know everyone has that signal feeling that tells them if this person is worth his or her time.  However, over the past seven years, I think there was one, and he was a dud.  Of course there are those who give me that general feeling of like, or I like some of their attributes.  But when the nervousness subsided, I was confronted with the same man I have dated in seven years past.  And now I am faced with the decision to determine if I want to go forward or to cease and desist.  In the book, Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth had the same dilemma, she had dated the same type of man for years.  You know the guy, he is your pattern, he is the norm.  You don't notice the norm until you are alone dating this man and realize that this type of realtionship blows.  That in all actuality, you aren't in a relationship.  I have been presented with three different types of men in the past seven years.  So what the difference between 20 year old Erica and 27 year old Erica.  I consciously recognize that I have made mistakes, that while, fortunately contributed to my development, have ultimately left me bitter, upset, and emotionally dependent upon a 3lb dog.  So the question remains, who are these  men, who cause so much heartache to men.  Let's review my past after the cheater/heart breaker/and impregnator (not me)

The Warden
The Warden is usually an older guy, around the age of 40-47, however there are some officers in training around the age of 25-35 who are looking to retire the older prison warden.  The warden is a man who must know everything.  He wants to know your every move every time of the day.  And even though he has you under lock and key, he has every right to go do whatever he wants.  And when you question him about his whereabouts, well, he owes you nothing, because you are the prisoner and he is warden.  Now, the warden, it seems that he is doing you a service, that he is really helping you, and that he is protecting you.  However, he's not.  When times get tough, when you are in the hospital in need of someone to take care of you, he won't be.  Your true friends will be there, but the warden won't.  On the contrary, the warden's friend will be the one to take you too and pick you up from the hospital.  Now, what the prison warden is good for is making you feel guilty for the shit you do.  While you drove home doped on percocet, he will blow up your phone asking why you didn't come over after your surgery.  Because the first thing on your mind, after having your appendix removed is sex.  Oh, remember when you went home for your momma's birthday.  You know the lady who gave birth to you, well the warden will quiz you about every second of the day.  He will even have the audacity to ask if you had sex while you were at the crib.  Yes, in his mind on your momma's birthday you had sex with some guy.  Oh, let's not forget that since you are now the warden's property, you aren't allowed to go anywhere by yourself.  Sorry those are just the rules.

Mr. I don't Wanna
I am pretty sure, I am not the only person who has encountered this type of man.  But ladies, why do we continue to be hoodwinked by this character.  Who is Mr. I don't Wanna?  He is the man, who for some reason presents every attribute that we think we want, until he drops that dreaded line, I don't want a relationship.  So you ask yourself, "Really.  I mean not even with me.  I thought we were having such a good time."  So, being who we are, we say, look, I feel what you saying, but I can change your mind.  So we end up on this whirlwind romance the ultimately ends up sending you into depression,  because he told us, I don't want a relationship.  And we didn't heed the warning.  Oh, yes, this man is great.  He holds you, he tells you all the things you want to hear.  He is the man who is in touch with his intimate side.  You all have the best sex ever.  He hits that spot right and everytime.  He is the guy who gave you the butterflies in your stomach, and made you nervous on that first date.  STAY AWAY!!!  Again I say, STAY AWAY!!!  All that greatness will lead to your ultimate demise.  You will be left in a puddle of tears because like he said before he doesn't want a relationship.

Mr. Stalker
This guy is undercover.  He can be any age and probably has more problems than you know.  He will lie, or leave out important information pertinent that is necessary to make an informed decision.  He will quickly fall in love with you, and you probably have only been on a couple of dates with him.  Whether or not you give up the goods or not will determine the severity of the stalking.  However, all stalkers are prone to violence.  Now, to you, Mr. Stalker is not anything special.  He is pretty much like every guy you give a chance, but is just not your type.  These are the warning signs you need to beware of.  Mr. Stalker takes you to meet his family on the second date.  Mr. Stalker will just show up at your house, meaning, you could be walking your dog, and BAM there he is.  The last indicator is that he hides pertinent information from you, such as he has children. 

Now these are three categories of men I have had the pleasure of meeting during my seven year stint of being on the market.  And I caution you.  Avoid them at all costs.  It's not worth the heartache.  Now I know, it pretty much seems like there is no hope left.  Because all of the men you meet fall into one of the three categories, or probably other one's not discussed.  Well, I know their are other men who will treat you right.  I personally haven't met any of them, however, my friends have some good men who love them dearly and treat them like Queens.  Well, at least that is what they tell me.