Thursday, December 23, 2010


I have no clue what just happened.  I just know that sometimes I lay at night in bed missing your arms.  And the only thing that takes my mind off of you is thinking about the don'ts and the can'ts and will never be.  The biggest don't is you are not ready for a relationship with anyone.  You don't believe in titles, and ultimately have ever ruled out the chance of you actually loving someone in my opinion.  That is your path in life, not mine.  You expect me to be at your beck in call, but when I want to spend time together, I pretty much need to suck it up as a day alone.  You can't allow yourself to apologize for your harsh words.  Instead of talking shit out, you argue and throw tantrums that I personally am not going to deal with.  Remember when you got mad at me because I didn't text you for a day.  But when the roles are reversed, it's okay for you to ignore me days, even a week at a time.  You accuse me of playing games, when in acutality, you're the one playing games.  Waiting for me to send you a message the moment after I see you.  But I won't.  It's just not in my nature to chase after something that is just not meant to last and withstand.  It's not in my nature to console you and make you feel at ease when you are insecure about so many other issues in your life.  The same way you refuse to deal with the consequences of some other man's actions.  I refuse to be punished because some chick hurt your feelings so long ago.  I won't be subjected to you angry words that attempt to belittle me because someone else lied to you in the past, when I have been only honest. 

I admit, I played a role in our demise.  I attempted to control and influence a whole nother person.  I tried to manipulate a situation that was not meant to be.  I tried to be like every other chick and wow you with all the skills I picked up over the journey to adulthood and relationships.  I temporarily had a waterhead moment.  And while, I tried, I failed.  I can accept that, because I have failed alot when it comes to relationships.  I am proud of those failures, because it will lead me to the moment where I only need to be successful once with the right person.

But in the same token you failed.  You failed to realize what goodness you had in front of you.  You failed to understand the depths that I would have gone to be with you, satisfy you and maybe eventually make a home for us.  Well, those are just the musings of a young woman who knows exactly what she wants and is no longer ashamed of them.

So when I see you, I will continue to smile, and momentarily reflect on the great times together.  But it only lasted momentarily, and it was needed to get me to this exact moment in my life.  To be free of any regret that I may harbor for any decisions I made. 

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