Friday, August 27, 2010

New to all of this

I have attempted to do this, (blog) on several social networking sites, however, to know avail.  I have no clue what I am going to blog about.  Therefore I will dedicate my first post to me cutting my hair off.  This will not be my first big chop, on the contrary it will be my second, it it is scheduled for 27 Sept 2010.  Why have I chosen this date?  It's the date of when I start my temporary parole from the lovely country of Afghanistan and go on leave to Paris!!!  Why am I going to chop off my lovely locks.  The hair that has always been my pride and joy.  Because it's damaged, because its a hassle, and I loved being natural more than I loved being addicted to the creamy crack.  Plus, I am trying to live this whole alternative lifestyle of being healthy.  There are large differences between natural hair and relaxed hair.  Having a relaxer, I am constantly in fear of water.  And LORD knows that my 4am workout sessions kill my hair.  Plus, there really isn't too much I can do with my hair in a combat zone.  We will explain my combat zone adventures at a later date!!! 

I'm not really trying to make a public statement, or start a revolution, again, I am really just trying to be happy with me.  In school, people use to envy me because I had long hair.  Little did they know, I envied them because of their curly hair.  Embarking on the natural journey three years ago, I started with a teeny weeny afro, and emerged with a huge afro.  So what was the issue?  It hurt to comb it, it wasn't considered beautiful, and in the Army I was left with only a couple of options, twists or straighten.  So December of 09 I got back on the creamy crack.  What a horrible decison!!!  Trust me, I swung my hair from left to right while I was on leave with it's straighness, but I still wasn't happy.  What has changed from when I was natural all those years ago until now.  A deployment, a host of people that I have put in the past, and a whole new outlook on life, and a need to want to get my hair wet without worry about frizz. 

I'll talk about my whole new outlook on life now and leave everything else for a later blog.  Hair is only the beginning of life changes I have embarked upon.  I will just outright say it, I have had low self esteem for a long time.  If it wasn't my hair that I didn't like, it was my skin color or my nose or my thighs or what have you.  Ever since my mother died my junior year of college, I have felt alone.  However, crying about life, my situation or anything has benver been an option in my life.  On the contrary, the best medicine to feel substandard, bottle that shit up and keep it moving.  Which is what I have done my whole life.  Carson McCullers use to write about feeling alone in a crowded room.  That's exactly how I have felt.  I  have the best friends in the world.  But in my world, I constantly compare myself to them.  How come I can't have what they have?  How come I can't be skinny like Perchelle? or How come I can't attract all the men like Danielle?  The list goes on and on, which leads to my lonliness and tackling my own issues. 

So basically, this blog is to explore loving me

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