A string of memories have haunted me over the past several days. They are actually past boyfriend memories. You know the ones that had such a traumatic effect on you, that you wish their name and face would best be forgotten. They are the ones that you wish your subconscious would forget but it won't let you because there is probably some aspect of that relationship you should face. Well I have three men in my life...who I know longer talk too...who I would love to forget but unfortunately at night I stir because of memories. No names have been changed.
1. Matt was the love of my life....in college, and he wasn't the typical man I would date. He was corny and skinny and pretty much the nice guy. And he probably still is a nice guy, however his actions have forever changed how I interact with men. There are moments when God tests our relationships to see if they endure. Well, our test was my mother's death. Unfortunately, our relationship did not endure, I shut him out and he found comfort in another woman. Did it hurt that he had ultimately lied to me, paraded me in front of his new woman, and ultimately betrayed my trust by telling her deep secrets about me. Yep, it sure did and it took me years to get over his sorry ass. However, I have finally realized that I am better off without him, because we didn't want the same things. He hated natural hair, and I love it. He wanted children early, (which he got...take a guess) and I am still on the fence. He is the ultimate conservativee christian. I love God and hope he forgives my points of views when I get to heaven.
2. After Matt...like 3 years after Matt, I started dating older men. Men old enough to be my uncle...father is pushing it unless you he fathered a child as a teenager. First there was Jesse. Yep, I want to say I loved him, but I really just lusted. He took me through an emotional roller coaster, calling on me when I was about to walk away. Did he have multiple women...yes. Did I know it, yes. Then why did I put up with it. Plain and simple, because I was stupid. My friend told me, "Young, dumb and filled with cum." Unfortunately, since I spent my younger years in a relationship as well as getting over a relationship, I was really just dumb. However, I learned, but not with the next relationship I found myself in.
3. This bring us to Mike. Oh Mike, how I really didn't like you at all. I tried though...I really did. But I didn't really truly like you. Was I seeing other men though. YES!!! And I was wrong. I should have just let him go. But at that point in time, what was good for the gander was good for the good. To my suprise I caught that MFer cheating. I found out by stooping to a new low, I went through his phone. At that point I realized, WTF am I doing in this situation. I cried about being so stupid, I let him trick me into believing that it was my fault and ended back in his arms. Ugh...dumb ass Rose. So what was the downfall of this relationship. By the way God, if I haven't thanked you for this...THANK YOU. I had surgery, and two of God's angels, Heather and Rohan, were there to take care of me, not Mike who not only made no attempt to see me in the hospital and let me drive home on drugs, but coworkers.
So where does this leave me? Hopefully with a peaceful sleep. But it actually leaves me with some damn standards. Isn't that what Steve Harvey said, get some standards, yep got me a set of those now, oh and I also got a plan. However, that is left for another day.
Sweet Dreams to me