Gone

I had an interesting conversation with a friend.  He said, remember when you said, "You remember when you said you just like to go."  I always forget why it feels so good to be single.  I can never understand for the life of me why single is the way to be.  And he hit the nail on the head today.  The fact that a person like me, who rarely makes plans, but will just put down a dish of food for Casey and go away for a weekend, will just GO!!!!  That is my life.  To give myself a little credit.  Things that tend to be cheaper such as plane tickets or cruises I will book in advance.  But weekend excursions, well it best be said, the Continental United States needs to be ready because here I come.  I just love to be gone.  I am the traveler that my mom was and always wanted to be. 

Countless times, I have had argument with some man at the time of the following issues:

Why I disappeared for a whole weekend?
Who I was with for a whole week?
Why I left?
How come I didn't invite him?
Did you sleep with him???!!!
My personal favorite, "When you went home who did you see?"

 

BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!  This list goes on.  I  hate having these arguments.  I honestly have no answer for him as to why he was not my companion.  I kind of look at him dumbfounded asking myself, "Why wouldn't I go somewhere by myself, and why would I ask you to go with me?"  And what the %^*( kind of question is that to ask me?  Please don't get me wrong.  I am a proponent of couple related excursions.  I would like nothing more to go around the world with my new boo...or potential boo or whoever it may be.  But it just never happens like that.  The things I like to do, he has no interest. 

Wait...that is a lie!!!

The reason I go by myself is because it is easy.  I don't have to worry about someone else getting bored with the things I like to do.  I don't have to sit and entertain some guy when all I really want to do is sleep.  I can leave the hotel anytime I want to instead of waking up at the butt crack of dawn to beat traffic.  I can go visit art museums, sex shops, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, malls, and whatever else I want without worrying about the opposite sex pushing me to leave or pulling me to stay.  I have the freedom to stay somewhere as long as I like.  I can spend as much or as little money as I want and not have to worry if the man can afford it.  Because let's be honest on this one particular point...for some reason men don't like to spend money on the finer things or the practical things.  For example, though I live two hours from Vegas, this does not mean I want to drive to Vegas for a Cirque du Solelil Show and then drive all the way back in the same night.  WHY????  There are numerous reasons.  The main one is, I will probably be intoxicated the from the time of arrival until the end of the show.  Secondly, because it's Vegas.  There is always great food, great accomodations, great everything.  So no mister, I am not doing a roundtrip to Vegas in one day.  So I will continue to travel alone until I can find someone bearable who will do the things I would like to do.  Now, I no that relationships go both ways.  And I guess I am not really the person to take on vacations because I have rarely been invited by a man to join him on so much as a day trip.  So it is what it is.

So what have I gone and gotten myself into.  There's so much.  I think one thing my friends can count on me for is spontaneity.  When I do travel with someone and want a friend, I will just ask one to go to some place.  The latest excursion will be a half marathon in Orlando.  My bestie, Danielle is joining me for this.  Yea, I thought about doing it alone, but I remembered that 5K I did.  Though it was for a good cause, I was rather lonely crossing that finish line and no one to hug.  Anyway, yes, Danielle will be joining me for this grueling 13 mile trek around Disney World.  And then what.  Well to reward myself for sitting for a year in Afghanistan staring at a computer screen, supposedly aiding the war on terrorism, I am going on a cruise.  OoOoOh one might say.  Who are you going with you are probably wondering?  NO ONE!!!!  I said it, that's right.  I am going by myself.  After months of trying to decide if I wanted to wonder around Europe again by myself, or trek up the Inca Trail I decided to go on a cruise.  Why am I going by myself.  Because as much as I would love to share my post deployment fun with someone...my homies from school or childhood can't go for various reason.  Then my civilian friends they have to get off work, and I have to deal with the whole, well I have vacation days and I already had them planned out.  Then there is the whole, OMG I though cruises were cheap.  I would rather just avoid all of that rejection and let down and just go by myself.  So sorry, if I didn't tell you, but I am going on a cruise...by myself.  Get over it.  To all my friends who are mad because I didn't ask, I am sorry.  To those of you who I did ask and you couldn't give me a straight answer...blame yourself. 

Which brings me to the next subject.  I love my friends.  They have been my cornerstone for a lot of things.  The death of my mother, my secret mental breakdowns where I cry endlessly for no reason.  The list goes on.  However, the same way you have your own agenda, I have my own timeline to keep.  So don't get mad at me for wanting to do something different.

More Gray than Black and White

Recently I watched a really bad movie, "The Killers," where the leading character's mother replied to her daughter, "You married your father.  I know I did."  So for the past three days this line has irked me beyond belief.  Is this a true statement?

If you look at me and my friends, we are a myriad of different personalities from an array of households.  Some come from happy two parent households, others come from unstable two parent households.  Then there are some of us who were raised in divorce households who knew the other parent.  Then there is the last group, the ones who group up in a single parent household.  I fall into the latter category.  I was raised in a single parent household where the only resemblance of my father were infrequent phone calls that have left me as a bitter adult who probably should seek counsel in the near future.  So, what is the issue at hand?

At face the value, if a woman marries her father, then the simple answer to this question is, of course us without father will grow up to marry losers.  You know the ones, the men who are unable to commit but we keep them around.  The ones who cheat and we keep going back but we can't seem to just let go.  Fatherless women have not guideline, no criteria to judge men.  Being an adult out in the world with no mother, I have learned the world is a lot more gray than black and white.  There is no correct answer of who a woman should date or should not date.  But there is a deeper issue at heart rather than who you date.  The question should be asked, what criteria does a fatherless woman have when choosing a potential mate.  (I have been pondering this for a long time)  And, the even bigger question, what role does a woman's genes and past play into her romantic future? 

Well, without a father figure in my life, there were definitely other options to look at as role models.  A girl could always go back to her grandfather, who didn't really much like children.  So I guess I can count him out.  Or, I can choose from my three philandering uncles who love women and many of them.  I must mention by the way, that my grandfather who raised my three uncles was married to my grandmother until his death.  So again, I ask who are a girls examples.  And with my familial example, do role models in a young woman's life even matter.  I said I had example, not good ones.  And even though I condone my uncles habits, I must say to some extent I am like them.  As much as the enjoy the company of multiple women, I enjoy being the center of attention of multiple women.  I enjoy being chased.  Is this a learned behavior?  Is this behavior genetic? 

My answers to all these questions are  yes.  To some extent, the male figures in a woman's life are very important and crucial.  My observations of people as a child has translated into my behavior as an adult.  It is probably in my genes to cheat.  But isn't it in everyone.  When did monogamy become the name of the game...beginning of the 20th century.  But I am digressing into a whole nother argument. 

When the male figure is absent from his daughter's life, she is left to experiment, pick and choose from what may seem right and what may seem wrong.  So is this the reason why so many young fatherless women, including myself have failed at finding a mate.  But many of my friends who came from married households find themselves in loving relationships.  NO CLUE...and this is nothing that will be settled in this blog.  But isn't it a interesting conversation to have with your girlfriends.

For Colored Girls

On request from Johnathan, I was asked to use this space to review movies.  However this seems to be a little hard from a war zone.  Lucky him, I was in the states this past week, and I was able to view the long awaited Tyler Perry "Masterpiece"  For Colored Girls. 

I am usually the one who has her head stuck in a book, reading the lovely limricks or sojourn journeys of men and women who are unable to tell his or her own story.  However, For Colored Girls, I have never read the book/poems nor have I seen the play.  Though I have heard of it, I never had the chance or even the motivation to read it.  So this for me is a first, seeing a movie for before reading the book.  OH HOW I WISH I READ THE BOOK FIRST OR WAS BORN IN 1960 SO I COULD GO SEE THE PLAY!!!

I watched this movie, and to it's credit, it was definitely better than, "I Can Do Bad All By Myself."  An though many men feel that this was a movie ragging on black men, it's not.  It's not a pity movie about women talking about how bad men are, or how bad her baby's daddy is.  This movie addresses issues women encountered in the 1970s as well as 2010.  Amazing, how issues that were once taboo in the 1970s are just strewn across a movie screen in 2010.  Eight stories of women's plight, poverty, self esteem, fear, incest, and down low games are the movie's streaming undertones.  Tough topics for one movie to handle in 120 minutes.  However, Tyler tried.  Though the movie is sometimes "weird" meaning, in one second the women are having a regular conversations and then in the next reciting a poem sometimes feels misplaced and irrepresentative of what the true meaning of the poem was suppose to be about.  The movie was still entertaining.  Not as heavy as Precious where I balled my eyes out, but not to light where you don't get anything from it.  As much as Tyler tried to make this movie like the Hollywood Hits Chicago, and Rent, it wasn't.  And probably should not have been.

Even so, the movie relayed a good message.  One that all women can relate too.  This movie is not for the ignorant.  And I address this comment to the woman in the movie theater who kept calling this man a faggot, practically ruining my last day in DC.  Yes, there is a down low brother.  Yes the implied consequence of this is HIV.  However, living in the 21st Century, ADULTS should be able to handle a Rated-R movie which handles issues such as this.  Maybe this is why homosexual men don't come out, because of the fear of the tirade that a black woman may inflict on him when he comes out.  Any way, I digress.  At the tender age of 27, I can only recount the many times I fell in and out of love.  Or the one time, I thought I was pregnant, and had to come up with a plan.  The point is, all women, not just black women, but all women can relate to some theme in this movie.  Every woman knows a friend who was raped by a family member or friend.  Everyone woman has a friend or was that woman in an abusive relationship.  And every woman has made mistakes that lead to some type of defining consequence her life.  These are the scars that women carry around with them.  That many men don't know of. 

This was a good movie.  A stellar cast with Whoopie and Thandie opposing each other as mother and daughter kept me on the edge of my seat.  Lorretta Devine played the comical character that all of us wish we had the strength to be when realizing the end of a horrible relationship.  Kerry Washington and Kimberly Elise Neal played strong characters.  Anika Rose was awesome as the exuberant dancer betrayed.  And Janet Jackson tried.

Is there a reason why Janet must play the typical angry black women.  I mean honestly, did anyone believe that she really tore up her own house in Why Did I Get Married II?  I didn't.  I have homegirls back on the block that could have done it more convincingly.  Why is she the poster child for angry black women??!!!  Okay, that is all I have...

Love ya

Admission

Alright...so this is a little late coming, but guess what.  I received admission to Villanova BSN Express Nursing!!!  So what does that mean.  Well, it means so many things.  The biggest thing is that I am offically an Nursing student!!  I have two classes that I MUST get A's in order to be admitted.  Well really, B's, but I am aiming for the stars because at this point I feel like I can do anything.  So I will officially be done with all prerequisites for Nursing School January 19 2011.  The big question that looms over my head, and what instills fear in me is, what is the future of my military career?  Ultimately, it's over.  Yep, just like that, it's over.  I would love to say I loved it, it was the time of my life, and I will miss it.  But the Lord, and multiple friends no my heart...GOOD RIDDANCE!!!  I know, the Army has provided a lot of benefits to a lot of people, including myself.  The Army sent me to school to get an education.  The Army deployed me to Afghanistan and has allowed me to complete four classes in a year time frame.  The Army has taught me lessons that I will always remember.  Mostly that there are certain people in life I don't want to deal with and jobs I don't want to do, because they ultimately have no purpose in life.  So to the Army, I say thank you.  You taught me life lessons, that have ultimately made me mature as a person.  You taught me alot.  Mostly about men, myself, my big mouth, and what I really want to do.

In order to guide my path, I have developed a plan.  A lot of people think I don't have a plan.  They really think I am just out in the wind flapping, hoping that I get picked up.  But in all honest truth.  Since February I have been plotting and planning for this.  The only thing that has caused me to lose focus is myself and my self fear.  I know when people ask me, what am I going to do when I get out the Army, my response is to get out and help poor babies.  And ultimately, that is it.  But there is so much behind that plan, you don't even know.  What most people don't know about me, is that I am very impatient, and I really want things now.  Meaning, I don't want to finish my prerequisites in January, I want to do it now.  That's just an example.  When I tell you that I will accept admittance to any school.  Well that is kind of true.  I will accept admittance to any school that has a stellar reputation and affordable.  So trust me when I say, when I play dumb, it's to keep you at  bay.  It's not to appease you of what my true goals are so that you can keep another body trapped in this institution of the Army.  I am a planner when it comes to me and my life.  I will stay up all night to figure out how I am going to get out of something.  This particular something is the Army.  So hear is my plan.

I have developed a five year plan that is relatively simple, but will definitely require some work.
MAY 2011 - Enter into Villanova's BSN Express Program
AUG 2012 Graduate from Villanova's BSN Express and take the NCLEX
September 2012-2014 - Beginning nursing career working in either a Pediatric or Trauma wing
JAN 2015 - Apply for Doctors Without Borders and begin working internationally.

So what does this plan say.  That I have basically and generically planned what I really want to do and the goal I want.  But what it does not detail is my night thoughts of how I will go about it.  The items and people I will ultimately have to give up in order to put this plan in motion.  What no one has failed to realize except for me that I want this so bad that I am willing to give up sex for this.  SERIOUSLY!!!  Why, because men and sex are distractions.  And I can't afford for andy distractions.  Because at the end of the day, I cannot end up where I am now, deployed unwillingly to a war zone in a job I don't care about.  So yes, the attack of the boo dreams have been in full effect.  I expect they will only get worse.

Danielle...STOP LAUGHING!!!

Yes, there are implied tasks in my five year plan, but for the most part that is the general idea, to work internationally.  If one thing, this deployment has taught me.  There are people way more less fortunate than I.  There are children starving. There are mothers with children who lay in the middle of the road hoping that a coalition vehicle will drop food or money there way.  Basic diseases that have been virtually eradicated in the US, continue to devour a sizable portion of underveloped populations.  Things, that I don't know nor did I ever experience because I grew up in the comforts of the United States.  Where vaccinations were mandatory, being poor still meant I had some resemblance of shelter over my head, and I didn't have to hustle for the next meal, I will never know what it means to be truly poor.  I know the critics will say, there are still portions of US society that experience this.  Therefore, my main priority should be to stay in the states.  I have no argument with those people except this.  America, no matter how racist the institutions may be, still offer freedom and choice, something that the majority of the population in Afghanistan and countries like it lack.

So in the end, I would like to say thank you to all my haters, you know who you are. 

Deuces!!

Something Kinda Like That

Since I started this journey...people have been asking me why.  Why are you going by yourself?  There is no real reason. I am not trying to find any type of enlightenment. Simply, I just want to see the world. I want to see how the other half lives. Meaning, I have been to the US of A, and it's great but I am tired of Outback and it's fake Australian dishes.  Does travling get lonely.  YES!!!  No one to share my excitement with. No one to take my picture as I stand in front of famous monuments I probably won't know the name of next week. But just the experience of looking like an idiot when I point to food that simply looks good is so much fun. The interesting people you meet along the way.  The fact that I get off the train with map in hand, and still get lost because I have no clue where I am.  Of course there are no street signs here.  They are on the sides of buildings.

Of course you get scared. Traveling alone walking through Barcelona's famous alleyways at night is enough to give me and my family a heart attack. However I was insistent on going to this jazz bar.  Meeting and talking to strangers who probably want nothing more from me other than a green card is interesting.  Especially when they ask, does your job pay good.  Either way, fear aside traveling, alone is an adventure in itself. I can't tell you how to do it mostly because I don't know how. I didn't set aside a budget of how much to spend a day.  I basically just set aside a paycheck.  I don't have a list of monuments to go see.  I pretty much just looked at a map and went.  Or as I did in Paris, got off a train and walked. 

Of course you want to tell your friends of the stories of how you visited some great temple but truth be told you probably won't remember it. What you will remember is he old lady digging up her butt before you got on the train. Or the many bikes in Amsterdam, Poland, and Brugge which almost ran you over. What I remember most is the horrible tapas food I had at this restaurant but the nice Pakistani man who took me for a drink in some alley who tried to get me to come back to his apartment. No Muhammad, I will not allow you to kiss me, is what I had to keep telling him on his 20 minute break. He told me infinite times that I was beautiful on the inside and the out.  That my lips were gorgeous and so on.  All this from being my waiter at the sucky restaurant he works at. Needless to say Muhammad as much as I needed to hear your wonderful words I will not be joining you at 0100 tonight for a night cap.　

So my tips to traveling alone:
1. Bring a book when you travel, there is nothing like sitting at a restaurant with nothing to do.  Especially if you are like me and can't quite gather the concept of people watching. 

2. Bring a map:  Even if you are clueless reading a map, it will help you to understand if you are a block over or a mile over from your destination.

3.  Don't carry a book bag with you everywhere.  Also, don't carry your passport, and major credit cards with you.  Just ensure you have enough cash to get you through the day.

4. Prepare to be out all day.  Meaning, if you leave at 9 in the morning, you will probably be out all day.

5. Invest in a city tour whether it be walking or city bus.  It will give you a history of the city and will allow you to choose what places you want to see.  This was key in Berlin.  Berlin is full of history, Check Point Charlie, a grass patch over Hitler's Bunker, and the Berlin Wall, I would have never known all this stuff without the walking tour. 

6.  There is no such things as boundaries in Europe, or manners for that matter.  They don't believe in personnel space, for the most part they don't use deodorant, and they are rude.  So much to the fact that they will push you out the way.  So pick your battles.

Random Musings after Watching Eat Love Pray?
Elizabeth Gilber is one of the best writers I have read.  She is inspiring, if for nothing else, just being her.  The movie, though it was great, did not do the book justice. 

For the most part I have found myself, and started forgiving myself for my wrong doings in life.  I am working on settling my thoughts, as well as getting closer to God.  Somedays it seems as if I am on a verge of a breakthrough in life, pertaining to God and myself.  Other days I seem farther and farther away from what my purpose is.  Either way, I am trying.  The hard part is letting go of the past while trying not to make past mistakes.  However, I have come to realize that I am beautiful, even with short hair.  And there is no need to limit myself to just black men.  Mostly because all skin color is just a color.  I find myself daily admiring men of all different ethnicities.  I have been toying around with the idea of vegetarianism.  Why do you ask.  Well, I love meat.  I love ham, and bacon, and hamburger.  However, I am against killing some animals but not all.  Isn't that a little hypocritcal.  I think so.  Therefore, I am justing going to give it up completely.  Not for health reasons, but for moral reason.  However, it will have to start tomorrow.  Because what is Europe without meat.  I am scared that I won't like vegetables, and peas and such, however, no better place to start than my deployment since the food is free.

Intersting questions of the my travels.  Why are you single?  What I usually tell American men, is my husband has not found me.  What I tell the European men, I'm not ready.  Both are true statements, however, my inability to conform to any man's standards of girlfriend has kept me single, with a few flings in between for the longest.  I am the rebel that no one wants.  I'm not truly a good girlfriend, nor do I think I will be a good wife.  I still believe in love, but on my own terms.  I want to be happy.  I want someone who wants to be with me and only me, who wants to fall madly and passionately in love, and who want to be in that partiular place with me.  Someone who wants to be happy with only me and who also looks like Adam Rodriguez from CSI Miami.  To all my older friends, they probably think I am crazy.  But I really want this man.  So bad, that I refuse to settle for anything less.  I have friends who have told me, my standards are too high.  Let me say it again for emphasis, I really want the Adam Rodriguez look a like with all the characteristics of Felipe from Eat Pray Love.  However, I have yet to meet this person.  The men I do meet are the men who want to add me to their list of hookups, who for the most part are lame and boring.  There are the few who want to be with me, but the young me who they think they can mold into their perfect wife.  Ugh, I hate those guys, which is why I rebell.  As miserable as my life is with them, I make there's equally as miserable because I have no desire to be with them, not intentionally.  This has caused me to just rethink my tactics of holding on to a man hoping he will change, by just ending it because he won't change and neither will I.  I have yet to find the funny romantic man who will travel the world with me, or sit at home with me and my dog, since Casey was stolen ,and pass  my lazy weekend days away.  However, until my Felipe or George comes, that is the name I have giving my imaginary boyfriend, I will continue to live in my fantasy world where love conquers all. 

Day 2

So I have to try and work my way back through today because it was quite interesting.

I would first like to thank Marvin and Pam for my ticket to the Picasso Museum.  It's not that I couldn't pay for it, but since Americans are easily spotted overseas we chatted in line.  So big thanks to you all.

The Picasso museum was interesting, I think I am more fond of modern day art, meaning 20th century to the present.  It is very different, even though the greats started the way most artists, did, through still life pics and such

So I got off my city tour bus and what did I see.  A big crowd of people because this dog was barking at this guy, probably because he had drugs.  That's the only reason why I understand a police dog barking at a random person.  Well, this lady starts going off, and SPITS on the police/security guard.  I have no clue which he was because they have police, security and guards.  Before the spitting on the police security guard guy I went to lunch. 

**Let me warn the average traveler, 0.5L of Sangria in Spain is more potent that a Liter of Sangria in the states.  Let's just say, I walked away drunk. 

Touring the city, it was okay, not too many scenic or hisorical things to see however, it was great to get up and not have anywhere to go. 

I think on to the beach tomorrow.

Oh, mixing olive oil with my conditioner was a great deep condition.  For the most part of the day, my hair stayed moisturized and shiny.  LOVE IT!!

Deuces

Getting to Happy

I just finished Terry McMillian's new book, "Getting to Happy", and though it will not be my favorite book anytime soon it did make some key points.  This is the reason I really didn't like it was Terry took all four characters to their lowest point in life. Yes the characters are older, but the don't seem any wiser and she takes them to their lowest of the low.  Too the point that all four of them had hit rock bottom, and miraculously they all came out on top at the end, for the most part.  The hardest part of the book for me to deal with was Gloria and her loss. 

I'm not sharing anything else about the book because I don't want to ruin it.  Let's just say these are my take away points. 

1. As humans, we are all scared to fail, whether it be changing careers, finding a career, finding oneself.  No one wants to say that I tried to open a boutique and failed miserably.  Or I tried in my marriage, and ended up with the worst heart break in the world.  However, as we all know.  This just so happens to be apart of life.  My best friend Danielle, she is my inspiration because through failures, heartache, and let downs, she has continued to do what her goals lead her to do.  Have her own practice. 

2.  Get over it.  I know I am the last person to tell someone to let go and get over a boyfriend or the loss of a loved one.  I for one am probably holding on to several situations that were deeply traumatic.  HOWEVER, I need to get over it.  Yes I said it.  It is time for me to get over thinking about and remembering the hurtful times of past loves.  They sucked and there is a reason why they are no longer in my life.  Therefore it is time to let go.

3.  Make yourself happy.  Easier said than done right.  Not really.  I have been discouraged by many that doing things alone is highly discouraged.  Did you know that you are suppose to bring a date to a wedding.  I honestly had no clue.  Every wedding I have been too, I have gone alone.  Why, mostly because I don't want to inconvience my friends and I really don't have any men that I would actually take to a wedding.  Onto travelling alone.  Contrary to popular belief, it is one of the greatest treasures God has given me.  Being alone forces me to deal with me.  It helps me realize who I am.  For example, with friends, one will tolerate bad service, such as I experienced today at this little cafe.  However, alone, one is left to contemplate that this sucky ass waited will not be recieving any tips nor will this establishment receive anything from me.  Traveling allows a person to do whatever he or she wants without worrying about what the other person wants.  I have yet to find solitude with myself where I can sit along the Seine in Paris and watch couples kiss or just people watch.  But I have mastered the sitting in a restaurant by myself as well as venturing out alone seeing the sites. 

Well that's all right now.  Someday soon, I will explain how I have managed to get around Europe by myself, with the help of friends.

DEUCES!!!